


A place to call home

by hazzard



Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-10
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-05-13 02:07:50
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 18
Words: 24,159
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5690509
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hazzard/pseuds/hazzard
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>She missed him. </p><p>So she went to the one place he always was, at all times, even when he was somewhere else, physically.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

She hadn’t seen in him months. And despite everything, she missed him. Andrew had left her and she missed her best friend. She couldn’t deal with the whole team right now, she wasn’t even sure if she could deal with _him_ , so she didn’t go back to work. She went to the one place where he was, at all times, even if he was somewhere else physically.

Phil had bought this place years ago. It was his safe haven, a place he could always return to… It was his home. He’d given her the key. “You need a home”, he’d said. “We both do. This is our home.” And it’d felt like it actually was. It was their home. Or it had felt like that until she’d caught him with some girl there. That had felt like a total betrayal. It’d felt like he was cheating on her. And he wasn’t cheating, they’d never been together that way. But he took her to _their_ apartment, he fucked her in the bed _they_ used to sleep in (always on top of the covers, minimal contact), he made her breakfast in _their_ kitchen. It had hurt. It had hurt so much, it’d scared her. And she hadn’t been there since. But right now, it was the only place where she wanted to be.

It looked exactly the same. There were the big windows and the view over the chinese restaurant that’d probably lived on their money alone (amazing that it still was in business.). There was her couch from the academy, beer stain and all. There was the white, fluffy rug in the bathroom that was the reason for “petting the polar bear” still meant “shitting” to them. There was his favorite mug in the cupboard. It looked exactly the same. She felt like crying and didn’t know why.

She sat down on the couch and just looked around. There was so much history here. She could map out large portions of her life only using this apartment and the things in it. She was crying now, she felt the tears on her cheek. She missed it. She missed uncomplicated. She missed… _him._

Suddenly, she heard footsteps, coming closer and closer. She grabbed her gun (pure instinct) and walked towards the door and hid in the closet next to it.

\- Here it is.

 _Phil._ Her heart sighed with relief. He was safe, he was here.

She was just about to get out of the closet and laugh with him about the whole situation, when she heard another voice. A woman.

\- It’s nice. Looks very ‘bachelor pad’.

Who was she? What did she mean ‘bachelor pad’, this was a home, this was her and Phil’s home and she had no business being in it. 

\- Sit down.

The woman laughed. She had a very cocky laugh. Melinda hated her already.

\- On this couch?

She came into _their_ home and talked shit about the furniture? The _couch?_ The couch where Phil had spent numerous hours on, laughing, watching movies, drinking beer and eating junk food, with her, Melinda, his best friend? How dared this woman diss their couch?

\- What is that stain?

Melinda could almost hear Phil smile.

\- Beer.

She didn’t laugh at that, the mystery woman, but Melinda couldn’t help letting out a little giggle (if the woman knew the story, she’d laugh too. Or maybe not.. But it was hilarious.). That giggle made her almost fall down so she grabbed onto a jacket and…

The thud was colossal. Very, very loud.

Outside, it was very quiet. Maybe they thought it’d been a cat? Or a fat bird? Or a…

Suddenly, the closet door was opened and… Phil. Phil with a gun, pointing at her head. And someone she could only assume to be the mystery woman standing behind him.

Phil just stared at her for a couple of seconds. The mystery woman disappeared, but returned quickly, now with a gun. Ah, she was _that_ kind of girl. Maybe they weren’t here on a date, maybe they just worked together.

Phil still stared at her, but he’d lowered the gun. That was always something.

The woman, however, came closer and closer, pointed the gun right at her and…

Finally, Phil got his voice back.

\- It’s ok, Rosalind.

 _Rosalind?_ First name basis?

Melinda decided to crawl out of the closet.

\- May?! What the hell are you doing here?

Phil still seemed to me in complete shock.

\- I’m sorry. Obviously I’m interrupting something, so I’m just gonna…

The woman looked like she thought it was a good idea, but Phil grabbed her arm before she could leave.

\- Yeah you’re not leaving.

He wouldn’t stop staring at her. It was like he couldn’t actually believe it was her, actually her, and she was _here_ , in their place, their home she hadn't been in for years.

\- How did you even get in?

That hurt. He didn’t even _remember?_ He didn’t understand what this place meant in their relationship?

\- You gave me a key, remember?

He smiled. Of course he understood. 

\- Oh yeah, that’s right. I did.

The mystery woman had put her gun down and was now just staring at them. Melinda couldn’t help looking at her triumphantly. _Yeah, that’s right. I got a key. What did you get?_

Phil forced her to look at him again, his hand still on her arm. The shock had left him, and now worry was taking it’s place.

\- Is everything ok?

 _No._ He was here with some woman and it looked like a date and he took her to their place, _their_ place, and she’d missed him and she loved him and…

\- Andrew dumped me.

Phil didn’t say anything, he just took her in his arms. 

The woman didn’t seem to like that very much. But Melinda did. It’d been a while since she’d been this close to Phil. It was a self preservation thing. He still smelled the same. 

Eventually, she got out of his arms (very reluctantly).

\- Aren’t you going to introduce us?

Phil stared at this… Rosalind, like he’d completely forgotten about her.

\- Yes, of course. Rosalind, this is May, she’s… she’s… well…

Melinda interrupted him.

\- We work together. 

Phil nodded, hand still on her arm. The mystery woma… Rosalind, stared at that hand.

\- Right. And this is Rosalind, she’s my…. she’s my…

Now it was Rosalind’s turn to interrupt him.

\- We work together too.

Melinda felt a wave of relief wash over her. So they weren’t here on a date, they were just-

\- And we’re also dating.

That wave of relief turned to ice cold water. He’d done it again. He’d taken a woman here to have sex with him, in their bed, in their home. _Don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t…_

Phil looked embarrassed. His hand was still on her damn arm. How dared he, _how dared he, that motherfucking…_

Rosalind knew. Somehow, she understood that this ‘work colleague’ was actually in love with her… with her.. with the person she dated. And now she was just protecting what was hers. Melinda understood that. Except, Phil wasn’t Rosalind’s, Phil was _hers_ , Phil had always been hers, only hers and now…

She had to leave.

\- This was a mistake. I’m gonna go.

She pushed him away and almost ran out the door.

She heard him screaming after her, she heard footsteps behind her, so she ran. She ran, tears burning in her eyes, a big lump in her throat and she ran, ran, ran, until she was out on the street.

He’d come after her, she knew it. She hailed a cab, and jumped in. 

\- Where to, Miss?

\- I don’t care. Drive. Just drive.

Just as the cab began driving away, she saw him.

He stood there on the street, outside their apartment building. She couldn’t help looking at him from the back window and he must have seen her, ‘cause he began running after the car.

\- Drive faster.

As the car got further and further away, Phil stopped. He stopped and stared after her.

Who was she kidding. Phil had never been hers. Phil would never be hers. Phil belonged with women like that Rosalind, not with women like her. 

_He’d never been hers._

_He’d never, ever be hers._

It started to rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST.
> 
> sorry.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Holding Melinda felt like... _home._

\- Who was she?

Phil had ran after her, of course he had. But she'd been in the taxi and she'd ran away, and he had to give up. He had to let her go. His heart was breaking but he had to let her go. She wasn't his to begin with.

Rosalind was... something. Mad, maybe? But why would she be mad?

\- I told you, she's Melinda May, we work together.

\- In what way?

\- Excuse me?

Rosalind sighed, like she thought he was being stupid. He probably was, 'cause he had no idea what she was talking about.

\- I mean, is she on your team?

 _Yes._ Or she used to be. Now everything was messed up and he had no clue anymore and...

\- Yes.

Rosalind definitely didn't look pleased to hear that.

\- She's the one Daisy has been talking about.

\- Well, May's her S.O., so I guess that makes sense that she'd...

\- That's not what she talked about.

\- What then?

Rosalind sat on the sofa, arms crossed, the irritation clear in her eyes.

\- Daisy told me to stay away from you, you know.

_What?_

\- Why would she...

\- She told me to walk away from another woman's man.

Rosalind stared at him, like he should feel bad about something. He didn't understand what that something was.

\- Wha...

\- Daisy said you belong with another woman, Phil. She said the whole world can see it.

Rosalind suddenly didn't look angry anymore, she just looked sad.

\- May's that woman you belong with, isn't she, Phil?

His heart was beating a hundred beats per minute. He tried really hard to pretend Rosalind's words hadn't just turned his whole world upside down. _Could it be..._

\- What makes you think that?

\- Well, she's in love with you.

He shook his head. No, _it couldn't be._ He knew she'd never felt like that about him. It was why he... It was why he'd moved on. It was why he was dating Rosalind.

\- No, she's...

Rosalind continued to stare at him. And she was pissed.

\- Did you see how she reacted when she found out we're dating?

\- About that, did you really have to tell her?

\- Why not? Why would it bother her if she wasn't in love with you?

Phil felt the pressed down irritation turn to full blown anger. She had no idea what she was talking about, she couldn't just sit there and _say stuff like that, it wasn't ok, it wasn't..._

\- It's not about me. She just broke up with her ex. Again. She's hurt. Relationships are a sore subject right now.

\- Yeah, ok, but...

\- So, again, did you really have to tell her?

Rosalind stood up from the couch. She looked mad. He was the one who should be mad. And he was. She was the reason his best friend had ran away, with tears in her eyes.

\- Because, I wanted to see her reaction.

\- Her...

She interrupted him. 

\- ...And that reaction told me all I need to know.

\- Which is...?

\- Like I said. She loves you.

He shook his head again.

\- She doesn't...

\- And you care about her too. That hug, it just...

_Why would she not give this up?_

\- Yes, I care about her. But not like that. She's my best friend. But that's it. She's a friend. Nothing else. Ok?

He tried to keep his voice steady. He tried to not sound like the words coming out of his mouth ripped his heart apart. _She's a friend. That's it. A friend. A friend._

\- Why would you listen to Daisy anyway? She's... she's never had a family. She sees me and May as... kind of her surrogate parents, I guess. She just wants us together, as every kid wants their parents together. But, I promise you, nothing's happening with May and me.

He had a chance here, with Rosalind. He had a chance to a relationship, a _real, adult_ relationship. A relationship that wasn't filled with lies, betrayal and hurt. He had a chance to finally, _finally_ , get over his _stupid, stupid_ crush on his best friend, a crush that had probably stopped being just a 'crush' a long, long time ago 'cause he'd loved her for years... But enough is enough. He had to move on. He had to let himself move on. He had to take this chance. _He couldn't blow this chance._

\- I'm sorry.

__Rosalind's voice trembled. Rosalind's voice never trembled._ _

__\- It's just..._ _

__She walked towards him and put her hands on his arms._ _

__\- When someone says the person you're... dating is someone else's soulmate, you just get a little..._ _

__He stroked her arms._ _

__\- I understand. But..._ _

__She nodded._ _

__\- I know. I trust you._ _

He took her in his arms and tried desperately to ignore the overwhelming feeling that holding Rosalind didn't feel right. Holding Melinda hadn't felt right either. Holding Melinda had felt... _perfect._

Holding Melinda felt like... _home._

__

He would know. Why couldn't she keep her emotions in check? Phil had seen her reaction to Rosalind, he wasn't stupid, he could put two and two together and... he'd understand. He'd know. She'd ruined their friendship forever. They'd never be the same again after this. She'd not only lose _a part_ of him to some other woman, she'd lose him _completely._ Why did she have to be _so stupid, so reckless, so..._

__\- Ma'm, are you alright?_ _

__She hadn't even realized she'd been crying._ _

__She tried wiping away the tears discretely._ _

__\- Yes._ _

__The taxi driver didn't believe her, she could tell. She didn't believe herself either._ _

__\- Where do you want to go, Ma'm?_ _

__She only thought about it for a minute._ _

__\- I'm gonna make a call, and then I'll know. Ok?_ _

__The driver nodded and smiled, probably tried to look encouraging. It didn't work, but she appreciated the effort._ _

__She took up her phone and searched for the number._ _

__The person on the other end picked up almost immediately._ _

__\- Hey, it's me. Where are you? Can we meet up?_ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still angst. I always planned to make this a multichapter thing but it also got requested (which is so weird to me, people really want to read my stuff?? I'm not used to this) and inspiration hit so... here we are.
> 
> Have fun with the angst. It'll get a lot worse until it gets better. Stay tuned.
> 
> hugs xx
> 
> (kudos and comments are always welcome!!)


	3. Her home wasn't hers anymore

She and Maria usually met in a dark alley. But now they were sitting in her office. 

\- He won't stop calling.  
\- Who? Andrew?

 _Oh right,_ she didn't know about Andrew, about Lash, about anything that'd happened... _Later._

\- No. Coulson.

Maria looked curious.

\- Why is that a problem? Why don't you take Coulson's calls all of a sudden?  
\- It's not a problem, I just...  
\- Ah, that's what you wanted to talk about. Of course it's about Coulson. Whenever you ask me for help, it's about Coulson.

Melinda couldn't even deny it. It was true.

\- Rosalind... something.

Maria raised her eyebrows.

\- What?  
\- She's the problem.  
\- Who's she?  
\- I don't know, I was hoping you could find out.  
\- I probably could. Why is she a problem?  
\- She and Coulson are... Well... friends.  
\- _Friends_ or _friends friends?_  
\- She said they were dating. 

Maria leaned back in her chair.

\- Ah. Wait, you talked to her?  
\- Kinda.  
\- Aren't you kind of out of the game currently? How did you even meet her?

Melinda knew Maria would think her being in Coulson's apartment was a big deal.

\- I was... in Coulson's apartment, and... so was she.

 _Yup._ She could see it in her face. Maria took it as a big deal. Now she wouldn't let it go. _Dammit._

\- Why were you there?  
\- I was just... It doesn't matter, ok? I just want to know what her deal is.

Amazingly, Maria didn't question her being in Coulson's apartment any further. 

\- Why?

She should've known that Maria restraining from asking uncomfortable questions was too good to be true.

\- What do you mean?  
\- I mean, obviously you're jealous, but is she actually a cause for worry?

_Shut up. Don't say stuff like that._

\- I'm not jealous.

Maria didn't believe her. Of course she didn't. 

\- Yeah, ok.  
\- I'm not...  
\- Sure. So, you want me to check her. You have anything to get me started? What do you know about her?

She could always count on Maria. Melinda tried to send her a silent 'thank you' through her eyes. It seemed to get through, 'cause Maria nodded, as if to say 'Anytime. But you owe me one.'

\- She's medium height, medium weight, she has dark hair, blue eyes, she's Caucasian and... she seems to know her way around a gun, in a way that makes me think we're in the same business.  
\- Wait... You said Rosalind, right?  
\- Yes?  
\- Could it be...

Melinda grew inpatient. Out with it.

\- Rosalind Price? You're talking about Rosalind _Price?_

_Rosalind Price?_

\- Who's she?  
\- She's the head of ATCU. 

She was such a big deal? 

Maria wrote something on her computer.

\- Wait, let me show you a picture...

She gestured to Melinda to join her behind the desk to look at the screen. And, there she was. _Rosalind Price._

\- Yeah, that's her.

Maria's eyes widened.

\- Wow. Way to go, Coulson. 

Melinda shot her an angry look.

\- Just saying, she's a big deal. Really good at what she does.  
\- You met her?  
\- Once. Very briefly. She has a kind of... authority about her that's very impressive. She's probably good in bed.

Melinda felt that wave of ice water come back. She didn't want to know, didn't want that image in her head, of the two on them in the bed _she_ and Coulson used to sleep in, _take it out take it out take it..._

\- Stop.

Maria just laughed. Melinda felt like crying.

\- Aw, come on, Mel. You know she has nothing on you.  
\- Maybe, but Coulson's still...  
\- ...with her and not with you?

 _Yes._ And it broke her. But she had no right to feel that way. She didn't own Coulson. Not even a little part. He didn't belong to her.

Maria shot her a questioning look. Melinda wouldn't meet her eyes, she stared down at the floor. 

\- I bet it's just about sex though.

 _No, it wasn't_. She wished she could think that it was.

\- No.  
\- What? What do you mean ' _no?_ ' How are you so sure?

Melinda felt irritation bubble up in her throat. Of course she was sure. She knew Phil better than anyone. Or... she _used to_ , at least. Now, that Rosalind was in his life, she wasn't so sure. But she _did_ know that Phil didn't do causal sex.

\- Phil isn't like that.

Phil was honorable. Phil was sweet. And loyal. And loving. And beautiful. And...

Maria interrupted her thoughts.

\- Then he's trying to move on.  
\- Move on from what?

Maria just shook her head.

\- You should do the same.  
\- Do what?  
\- Move on. Have sex.

She didn't want sex. She wanted... _Phil._

\- I hate dating.  
\- Who said anything about dating? You used to be the queen of casual sex. Phil might not be like that, but you are.

It was true. She'd always been able to separate sex from feelings. But she'd never slept with Phil. She wasn't sure she'd be able to separate _anything_ with him.

\- You make me sound so good. Besides, remember what happened the last time I tried that?  
\- So, you do a background check on the next guy. Make sure he isn't a psychopathic serial killer.

She couldn't help but smile. 

Maria smiled too, but then her face grew serious.

\- What happened between you two? Why won't you talk to him?

_Because... she'd ruined everything... He probably hated her... And he knew about... he knew everything, and..._

She didn't want to sit here and explain anything, she didn't want Maria to look at her with pity, she didn't want Rosalind Price to be a successful human being... Of course Coulson didn't love _her_ , what was she even thinking? That _she_ could compete with someone like _Rosalind Price?_ _Her,_ the screw up, the charity case, the one no one really gave a damn about, the one the world wouldn't miss if she just vanished?

\- Nothing happened.

Maria put her hand on her arm.

\- Melinda...

Why had she wanted to know? It hadn't given her anything, it'd only broke her more. She should just stay away, from everything and everyone. She didn't matter. She had no right to ask for Phil's affections. She was a mess. He was beautiful. He deserved so much more than a beast. _He deserved so much more than her._

\- Thank you.

She tried to shake Maria off. It didn't work.

\- Melinda, come on, talk to me, tell me what's...

Oh how she'd missed him. She hadn't realized how much until she'd seen him, standing there, eyes filled with concern, arms around her, and it'd felt so right, it'd felt like _home_ , but he'd replaced her, it wasn't hers and Phil's home anymore, it was Phil's and Rosalind's, and she didn't belong, _she had to move out from her home, she had to find her own place, she had to leave, she didn't belong..._

\- Thank you for all your help. I have to go.

She pushed Maria away, much like she'd done with Coulson only a couple of hours earlier.

And she ran. 

She had nowhere to run anymore.

But she ran.

Her home wasn't hers anymore.

The tears came again.

And she ran.

Even though she had absolutely nowhere to go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> still fricking angst.
> 
> spoiler alert, the angst won't stop anytime soon.
> 
> BUT, I promise you a happy ending.
> 
> Hope you liked this.
> 
> Comments and kudos always welcome.
> 
> Stay tuned.
> 
> xx


	4. She needs space

\- Where is she?  
\- Coulson?  
\- Where is she?  
\- Hi to you too.  
\- Hi. Where is she?  
\- Who are you referring to?  
\- Come on, Maria. I'm not in the mood. Please just tell me where she is.  
\- I don't know.  
\- She didn't contact you?  
\- I didn't say that.  
\- You talked to her? Is she ok? Why won't she return my calls? Where is she?  
\- I told you. I don't know.  
\- You don't know what? You don't know if she's ok? You don't know why she won't call me back?  
\- I don't know where she is.  
\- But you _do_ know the other things?  
\- She's not exactly a sharer, Phil.  
\- I know, but if you have to have something to tell me, _anything_ , _please_ do, I just want to know if she's...  
\- I think she needs space.  
\- I've given her nothing _but_ space, Maria. She's hurt. She needs...  
\- ...you?  
\- Yes. No. I mean, she needs somebody. I'm her best friend.  
\- Yes. But that's not always enough.  
\- What do you mean? What more could she need?

His voice trembled. He sounded like he was completely exhausted, like he hadn't slept in three days. If he wasn't such an idiot, Maria would feel sorry for him. But he _was_ an idiot and he'd hurt her best friend. She wasn't about to let him get away with it.

\- I heard about your new girlfriend. Congrats.  
\- Wha... When... How...  
\- May told me.  
\- She did?  
\- Yes.  
\- Why?  
\- She wanted to know who she was.  
\- She could've just asked.  
\- Yeah? Why would she have to ask?  
\- I...  
\- Why didn't you tell her?  
\- You said it yourself. She needed space.  
\- _She_ needed space or _you_ needed space?  
\- _Don't._  
\- Fine. 

He was silent for a long time. She was almost about to hang up, when she heard his voice again, and it was filled with so much hurt, she almost _did_ actually feel sorry for him.

\- Does she hate me?  
\- No.  
\- You sure?  
\- Yes.  
\- Then why...  
\- I'm not gonna tell you anything she told me in confidence.  
\- But...  
\- I won't.  
\- Ok.  
\- You're gonna have to ask her yourself.  
\- I would, if I knew where she were. Maybe I could ask Daisy to track her phone or...  
\- Phil, don't.  
\- Then what am I supposed to do? She won't tell me anything anymore. I just... I know she's going through some stuff but I... I miss her and I... I need her...  
\- Don't let your girlfriend hear you say that.  
\- Stop. Rosalind knows what May is to me.  
\- Does she?  
\- Yes.  
\- Phil, _you_ don't even know what May is to you.

Silence again. She'd hit a nerve. _Good._ That nerve needed to be hit. Repeatedly. With a stick.

\- I'm... worried about her, Maria.  
\- It's May. She can handle herself.  
\- No, she can't.

_What?_

\- Yes, she can.

She almost heard him shaking his head through the phone.

\- She wants everyone to think she's untouchable, but we both know she isn't, and such horrible things have happened lately and I just...

_What was he talking about?_

\- What things?  
\- She... she didn't tell you?  
\- No.  
\- Then... why do think she needs space? What did you guys talk about?

'She needs space from _you_ , Phil. She needs space because she's in love with you and seeing you being with someone else breaks her heart' was what she _wanted_ to say. But she didn't.

\- Is she ok?  
\- No, she isn't. That's why I need to see her, I need to help her. _Please_ Maria, just...  
\- I wasn't lying when I said that I don't know where she is.

Phil sighed. The kind of sigh that comes when you had just _one_ chance, and it fell through.

\- Ok. But if she contacts you again, please just...  
\- I'll let you know.  
\- Thank you.  
\- No problem. And Phil?  
\- Yeah?  
\- Maybe try to figure out what role you want May to play in your life before you hurt her any more than you've already have.  
\- What are you...  
\- Bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yoooooooo another chapter!!
> 
> Hope you like this one. I also hope it hurt. I'm sadistic that way.
> 
> More to come. Stay tuned.
> 
> Comments/kudos always welcome.
> 
> Thank you for reading my stuff, means a lot.
> 
> Have a great day.
> 
> xx


	5. Getting over Coulson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Changed the rating because, well, sex. Nothing too graphic, but be warned.

One more drink. Just one more.

Melinda wasn't much of a drinker, usually. But nothing else was usual either, not anymore. She needed to numb the thoughts, needed to drown the anxiety and the continuous ache in her chest.

She was hiding. From work, from the team, from Phil, from... herself. This hotel was a good place to hide. It was a hotel in New York. Not a particularly good one, but not a sleazy one either. Nice. Not special or extra in any way, but nice. Anonymous. It fit her well. She needed to be anonymous.

She'd been here two weeks. At times it felt like she should move on, go somewhere else. Texas, maybe. Or Toronto. She didn't know. But she had to run again eventually, couldn't stay too long in one place. Coulson was looking for her, she knew he was. And when he was looking for you, he _found_ you. _Phil._ Her chest wouldn't stop aching. He wouldn't get out of her thoughts.

She looked around. The bar was nice too. Tv screen on the wall, couple of tables, stools by the bar and by the window. _Nice._

There weren't many people there. It wasn't surprising, not many people go to bars at 2am on a Tuesday. 

But there was one guy sitting in the back corner to her right. He'd been eyeing her ever since he walked in. It didn't make her uncomfortable or scared, it was just... _weird._ She'd already gone over the possibility of him being Hydra or something similar, but it didn't seem likely. He had no spy training, that much she knew. She'd noticed him looking right away. She was good at seeing these things, but it should've taken her a couple minutes to be _absolutely_ sure. This guy had given himself away very quickly. _Not_ an agent. 

He _was_ cute, though. Tall, strong arms, green eyes, brown, messy hair. Totally her type. He didn't look like Phil at all. That was a big bonus. 

She looked down at her empty glass again. Right, another drink. 

\- Excuse me?  
\- Yes? 

The bartender was big, balding and had a full long bear. He looked like an irish santa. Totally _not_ her type. 

\- What you want? 

_Charmer._

\- Could I get a...  
\- ...whiskey, neat, with a little ice, right?

That guy from the corner was suddenly there, in the chair next to hers, ordering her drink for her and _getting it right._ He had a sexy smile. And he smelled good. She tried to look cool. She was good at that. 

\- Been stalking, have we? 

The guy didn't scare that easily. He just smiled that sexy smile again and shook his head. 

\- No, just observing. People's choice of drink is interesting to me. Especially if the people are as beautiful as you. 

_Smooth._ She didn't blush (she never blushed), but it was close. 

\- Oh? What can you tell about me based on my drink, then? 

She enjoyed this. She hadn't flirted in ages. She needed this. Maybe Maria was right. 

\- I can tell that... you have good taste. 

She laughed. 

\- I'm Rob. Nice to meet you. 

He reached out his hand and she took it. 

\- I'm... I'm Melinda. 

She had no idea why she'd used her real name. She'd decided she wasn't supposed to. 

\- So, tell me a little about yourself.  
\- What do you want to know?

She'd answer all his questions. None of her answers would actually be true, but... 

\- Well, for starters, what do you do? 

_Job, job_... what did people usually do for a living? It had to be something boring, so he wouldn't ask many questions. 

\- I'm in the insurance business. 

Rob looked surprised. 

-Really? So am I! 

_Fuck._

\- Oh...  
\- You here for the conference?

That would make sense. 

\- Yes. 

He seemed very excited to hear that. 

\- Did you read the starter pack? I'm really interested in hearing Hewitt's lecture, he has some pretty big ideas that could be revolutionary for the... 

She stopped listening, just trying to find a way out. She was on deep waters now. 

\- I don't want to talk about work. 

He laughed. 

\- I understand. 

His hand was on her leg, stroking up and down. _Well, at least his intentions were clear._

\- You want to... continue this conversation somewhere else? Like in my room, perhaps? 

_Yes._

She stood up and took his hand. 

\- Let's go. 

The bartender stared after them.

 

As soon as he'd locked up the door and they were inside, his hands very everywhere. His hands were everywhere and he kissed her, hard and passionately. His kisses made her weak. Damn. Her heart was racing. _Damn damn damn._

And then, his hands were inside her shirt, his hands were stroking her back, and he was kissing her neck, he was....He fumbled with her bra, he got it open, he was kissing her mouth again, he pulled down her bra and put his hands on her bare breasts, he was cupping her breast and his hands were strong and soft and... 

And she kept thinking about another man's hands. 

She kissed back, even more passionately. _Get Phil away from there._ This guy was hot. He was a good kisser. He didn’t matter to her, he wouldn’t break her heart. Focus on _him._

_Phil._ Phil kissing her. Phil taking her shirt off. Phil picking her up and laying her down on the bed. Phil putting his hand inside her pants, her underwear, Phil’s hand touching her, Phil’s finger inside her, Phil's other hand still stroking her breasts, _Phil Phil Phil…_

_No. Stop._

She opened her eyes. It was harder to imagine that this guy was Phil, when she could see green eyes looking back at her, instead of blue.

She was almost naked now. His shirt was gone. He was beautiful. Muscles everywhere. His chest was a little hairy. She rolled them around, she was on top, she was in control. She pulled away from his mouth, she sat on his legs, she kissed his chest, left a trail to his stomach... She opened his belt, took off his pants and threw them of the floor. She just wanted him inside her already. She put her hand down his boxers. He was hot and hard in her hand.

 _Keep your eyes open._ Keep them open, you _stupid, stupid_ girl. _Keep them…_

But then, her eyes closed again. And Rob turned into Phil. _Again._

She couldn’t do this.

She moved away from him.

\- I'm sorry, it's…

Rob sat up, clearly worried.

\- Is everything OK? Did I do something wrong? You want to stop?

He was so sweet. And she kept imagining another guy. He didn’t deserve this.

\- No, no, it’s not you, it’s just…

What was she supposed to say? 'I'm in love with someone but he's in love with someone else and I’m a coward, so I’m hiding in this hotel pretending to be someone I’m not, to escape, I guess, but it doesn't work and he’s still the only thing on my mind, I thought having sex with some random dude would help me get over my heartbreak but it only makes it worse, 'cause I’m imagining him in your place and it _hurts_ , it hurts _so bad I can't..'_

Rob looked almost scared. 

\- You want to go?  
\- No, I'm sorry, it's just… I just got out of a relationship and I guess I'm not over him because…  
\- ...you keep imagining him in my place?

_How…_

\- Yes. 

Rob sat on them edge of the bed, staring down at his hands in his lap with sad smile on his face. 

\- I used to do that when my ex and I had just broken up. 

This was all so screwed up. 

\- I'm… I'm sorry. 

Rob looked up. 

\- Don't be. And, you can do it, if you want.  
\- Can do what?  
\- Think of someone else while you’re sleeping with me. Sometimes that helps.

_What?_

He looked a little worried again. 

\- I know it sounds like I just want you in bed... and I do, don't get me wrong, but that's not... I mean... 

He was babbling. 

__\- You've done it._ _

__He nodded, still scared._ _

__\- Yes.  
\- And it helped?_ _

__He nodded again._ _

\- Yes. I know it sounds weird but... it's good to let all your feelings out, in any way you can. Don’t repress them. That’ll only make them worse. Trust me on this.  
\- You… you sure?  
\- No. But when I started letting myself think of her, that's when I stopped thinking of her. It took a while. But now, she's gone. I processed my feelings for her that way, I guess.

_Could it..._ She didn't know. But she'd tried everything else. 

__Rob still looked worried, like she was gonna start yelling at him any moment._ _

__\- You... you wanna continue?_ _

__She was willing to try anything to get over her love for Phil Coulson._ _

__She grabbed Rob's collar, shoved him back down on the bed and straddled him._ _

__Operation 'getting over Coulson' was set in motion._ _

__And damn it, if she wouldn't start that operation with a big bang._ _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Still angst. Sorry. Well, actually, I'm not. Or I am sorry but I still enjoy breaking your hearts.
> 
> Thank you so much for all your support, your comments, your kudos... You guys are awesome.
> 
> Comments/kudos appreciated, as always.
> 
> Hugs to you.
> 
> xx


	6. 17 days, 30 years

17 days.

It'd been 17 days and with every passing day, hour, minute, second, his realization grew stronger and stronger: he needed Melinda May in his life. He didn't know how to function without her. Something felt off, something was wrong. She wasn't there. _She wasn't there._ And time stood still and moved so quickly at the same time.

17 days.

He'd called her. Every day. He knew it seemed desperate, he didn't care. He'd called her, he'd called everyone he'd thought could possibly know where she was, but nothing. _Absolutely nothing._ She could be anywhere. She was hurt, she was probably doing something self destructive (that's what she did) and he couldn't help her. She didn't want his help. She didn't want him at all. She'd _left._ His heart was in pieces.

He'd done things. He was director, he was supposed to save the world. He _had_ to do things. But all he could think about was her. She didn't want to be in his life anymore, but he couldn't let her go. He had a girlfriend who really cared for him and was wonderful and supportive and... _there_. And he couldn't stop obsessing over the one who was gone. Over the one who wasn't there _or_ his girlfriend _or_ the one he should be obsessing over. 

Maria's words wouldn't leave him alone. Who was Melinda to him? Who did he want her to be? 

It wasn't fair. To anyone. Not to Melinda, not to himself, not to... Rosalind.

He felt terrible. He had trouble looking Rosalind in the eye. She'd _know._ She'd understand. His heart wasn't where it should be and eventually, she'd see that. She wasn't stupid. She'd get it and she'd get hurt. She'd hate him. 

He didn't want to think about her, the one who _wasn't_ his girlfriend, the one who'd _lied_ to him, _hurt_ him, _ran away..._ He wanted to stop thinking about her, he wanted it so badly, but he couldn't. 

_He loved her._

He couldn't hide it anymore. 

 

\- Hi. It's me again. I...

 _Voicemail._ Same as every single other time for the past week.

\- I... just want to know if you're... 

_Screw it._

\- I miss you. And I'm... worried about you, Melinda. I know, you're probably gonna roll your eyes at that but I am, I am worried Melinda, because I...

Not over the phone.

\- Call me. Please. I beg you. Yes, I'm pathetic. Please call. Bye. 

_I love you._

 

\- I found her.

Daisy was standing by his door, slightly panting. His heart jolted in his chest.

\- You...

Daisy smiled triumphantly, arms crossed

\- How...  
\- I tracked her phone. It was off, but I managed to get it open long enough to...

She'd _found her._ He'd been so busy trying to find her, he hadn't even thought about what'd happen once he did.

\- I didn't ask you to do that.  
\- Well, not with _words,_ but...

Daisy's smile changed to slight worry.

\- You're... you're not mad, right?  
\- Where is she?

Daisy smiled again.

_She'd found her._

 

\- New York? You're going to _New York?_

Rosalind stared at him in disbelief.

\- Yes.  
\- Why?

He couldn't tell her. He _had to tell her. Dammit._

\- Melinda. She's...  
\- She's there. You're going after her.

She looked so sad. He didn't want to hurt her.

\- Why did you start dating me, Phil?  
\- What do you mean?

She sighed.

\- Was it just to get over her?

 _Yes._ No. _Yes._

He didn't know.

\- I... I don't...  
\- Answer me. 

He didn't...

\- Fucking answer me, Phil.

She was so far away. 

\- _Answer me._

Her voice sent chills through his spine.

\- I don't...  
\- Fuck you. You _used_ me. I genuinely liked you, I liked what we had, and I thought you liked it too, but...  
\- I did, I _did_ , I _promise,_ but...  
\- But you still used me to get over someone who _left_ you, someone who _hasn't been here? I've_ been here, Phil. _She hasn't._ She doesn't care about anyone but herself. 

Rage took over him.

\- That's not... You don't even _know_ her, how can you...  
\- I know _of_ her, Phil. I've asked around. I've heard the stories about 'the ice cold cavalry.'  
\- Don't you _dare_ call her that.

Rosalind looked absolutely baffled.

\- _Really?_ You're giving _me_ shit right now? When _you're_ the one who lied to me, you're the one who cheated...  
\- I never cheated on you, _never._

She stared down at floor. Her voice broke his heart.

\- You might as well have.

_Please, don't..._

\- I'm sorry I...

She interrupted him.

\- You love her?  
\- I'm sorry.

She was almost crying. _Fuck._

\- Why did you pretend to love _me_ then?

He was such an ass. 

\- I didn't know how I... Not for sure. I've only _now_ begun to realize that...  
\- ...that Daisy was right.  
\- You're wonderful. I swear I always liked you. I wanted this to work. 

She sat down, hands in her lap, voice quivering.

\- _Don't._

What was he supposed to say then?

\- I just want to make this right.

She smiled. He instantly missed the crying. That'd been easier to deal with.

\- You can't make this right, Phil.

She looked up.

\- For how long have you loved her?

He was done with the lying. Rosalind deserved the truth. He had to _at least_ give her that.

\- 30 years.

She shook her head and let out a small chuckle. He was _such an ass._

\- What are you still doing here then?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, angst. (surprise, surprise.).
> 
> I'm sorry. Sort of. I hope your heart hurts a little. I'm like Coulson: an ass.
> 
> hope you enjoy.
> 
> comments/kudos equals a happy writer.
> 
> take care of yourself.
> 
> xx


	7. Empty rooms

She woke up at 5:34am and when she realized where she was and what she'd done, she cried. Rob was sleeping beside her and she lied there, looking at him, with tears rolling down on the pillow.

Everything was so screwed up.

She had to run. She had to run again. She'd pretend this never happened. She'd pretend she hadn't been an idiot and let Phil close, let him completely take over her mind, she'd pretend she hadn't stopped fighting against the voice of reason, like she'd been doing for so many, _many_ years before this.... She'd managed before, she'd been able to take it, what was so different now? She was _weak._ Phil had been in love before, with Audrey, and she'd managed then. Her heart had been broken, as it was now, but she'd never let it _show_ , not even to _herself_ , she'd never _acted_ on it, not even a _little_ bit, but _now..._ She'd cried, in front of him. She'd let her her heart shatter to pieces _before his eyes_. She was such a fool. _Such a fool._

Rob was wrong. It hadn't helped. She felt _worse._ And now, she couldn't hide her feelings for herself anymore. She'd let them get to the surface. She was _stupid, stupid, stupid..._ And Phil was after her. It was only a matter of time before he'd catch up with her. She had to bury her feelings again before that. Otherwise, she'd never be able to hide them again.

She ran because that was the only thing she knew anymore.

 

He ran to her. He'd left everything behind, Rosalind, the team, the inhumans, his work, _saving the world_ , to run after her. And he was an idiot. She didn't want him. She wouldn't want to come back. Still, he ran after her. Like a lovesick puppy, incapable of understanding when he wasn't needed. But, he needed _her._ So, he ran.

 

\- So, you've seen her?

The bartender glanced at the photo.

\- Yeah.

His heart caught in his throat. _Yes?_

\- Yes?

The bartender glared at him.

\- Yes. Now, was there something else? I really should get back to...

She could be here? In _this hotel?_ She could still be here? Right _now? She could still be..._

\- Can I get back to work now?  
\- When?

The bartender sighed.

\- Yesterday. 2am, something like that, I think.

She _had_ been here. Only a couple of hours ago. _She..._

\- Anything odd?  
\- What do you mean?  
\- Like, just... anything out if the ordinary, something that caught your eye?

The bartender smirked.

\- She was one hell of a sexy woman.

Phil wanted to punch him in the face. He settled for shooting him an icy stare.

\- Yeah, ok. Something else?  
\- I totally would've tried to hit that. That body... I mean... Damn... And she looked like she'd be wild, in bed, I mean. I like that.

 _Shut up._ That fucking _douchebag._ He had _no right_ to talk about Melinda that way, he had _no right_ objectifying her, Melinda was _so much more_ than just... Melinda was... He _loved_ her, and this piece of shit had _the audacity to stand there and..._

\- Wait, what did you say?

The bartender raised his eyebrows.

\- That I wanted to hit that?

Phil silently growled at that, but moved on quickly.

\- Why didn't you?  
\- Well... I had competition. Competition from someone who looked like one of them male models. So... you know.

 _Competition?_ But... Did that mean that she'd... That _she and this competition had_... No. She'd rejected him, _of course she'd...._

\- And the competition succeeded with his task. _Very_ quickly. So... I was probably better off, right?

The bartender chuckled. Phil wanted to pull out his gun and shoot him in the head. Instead, he grabbed his collar and pulled him so close he could see his eyes slightly quivering with fear.

\- Tell me. Everything. _Right now._ Or we're gonna have a problem.

 

Room 308.

Phil was scared to go inside. He could walk into anything. Them fucking. Them cuddling. Melinda laying on... _Rob's_ chest, asleep, naked, smelling like she did, with her hair laid out on his arm, body close to his, her beautiful, soft, skin against his body, a body that was probably much sexier than the one _he_ had... Melinda was beautiful, she could get _anyone_ , and he himself was old and wrinkly and... _disabled,_ of _course_ she wouldn't be attracted to _him_ , not when she could get someone like this _other guy, this... Rob Mc'Model_ , with his _young, vital, perfect_ body and...

 _No._

_Stop that._ He had to stop. He _had to_ get himself together. He'd see her, any minute now. Before then, he had to look cool and unfazed. She couldn't see what her being with someone else did to him. She couldn't know. She could _never_ know. He loved her with all his heart and he desperately, _desperately_ wanted _all_ of her, _all to himself_ , and the jealousy felt like a knife to his heart, and she... She was everything he ever wanted, and she could never, _ever_ know that.

He took a deep breath, slid the key card, and walked in.

To an empty room.

 

Room 267.

They'd gone to _her_ room. Somehow, that was worse.

He took a deep breath, slid the key card, and walked in.

To an empty room.

To an empty room with the shower on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kinda short. In the next chapter, the story will move forward. Promise.
> 
> Hope it hurts anyway.
> 
> Comments/kudos are the best thing ever.
> 
> All my love to you.
> 
> xx


	8. Best friend

\- Do you wanna talk about it?  
\- I don't know. I'm tired.  
\- Yeah but do you...  
\- I don't know, Phil. Ok? I don't know. I just...  
\- Yes?  
\- I... I don't know how to...  
\- You can tell me anything, you know that right? _Anything_. It's _me._  
\- Yes. It _is_ you. But I've begun to think that maybe that's the problem.

 

******************************

 

Phil stood in the hotel room, listened to the shower and tried to decide what to do next. He shouldn't have come here. He shouldn't even be in New York. 

She was either gone or in the shower. He didn't know which one he wished for.

_He shouldn't be here._

The bed had been slept in. On both sides. He spotted an opened pack of condoms on the nightstand. Seeing that was like getting punched in the gut by the Hulk. She'd really slept with someone. She'd been having sex in that bed. He couldn't stop picturing it. Her and some faceless man in that bed going at it. He wondered if he'd made her come. He wondered what Melinda looked like when she came. He wondered and stared at that bed and he couldn't stop picturing it, picturing _her_ , he couldn't stop imagining her naked body on top of some other man, and it turned him on and strangled his heart at the same time.

Why did he do this to himself? He _shouldn't be here._

He was just about to turn and walk away, when the shower stopped running.

He really should go. No good would come out of this situation, no matter what it looked like. He should...

The bathroom door opened and out came...

\- What the hell?!

The guy stopped dead in his tracks, towel around his waist, and stared at him.

\- Who the hell are you?! How did you even get in here?

He was attractive. This had to be the guy. Rob. _That motherfucker._

\- Phil Coulson. S.H.I.E.L.D. I was wondering if I could ask you a couple of questions?

Rob continued to stand there and stare at him, mouth slightly open. Then he shook his head and chuckled.

\- Sure. Can I get dressed first?

Yes, _please,_ cover up that ridiculously great body so I don't have to look at it and understand why Melinda didn't choose _me_ to sleep with, _please_ do that. _Please._

\- Yes. I'll meet you in the lobby in five.

He nodded to Rob and walked out of the room.

 

\- So, tell me what you need from me.

They were sitting in the cafe downstairs. Rob had ordered a soy latte with caramel. He was _that_ kind of guy.

\- You didn't seem that surprised to hear that I was from S.H.I.E.L.D.

Rob put down his cup and looked at him questioningly.

\- Obviously not, since I know what this is about. 

She'd _told_ him?!

\- You do?  
\- It's my brother, right? What's he done now?

_What?_

\- Who's your brother?

Rob suddenly looked insecure.

\- It's _not_ about him?

Phil shook his head.

\- No. I repeat, who's your brother?

Rob's hands held tightly to the coffee cup and he looked down at the table.

\- I... I don't...  
\- Fine. It doesn't matter. That's not what I wanted to talk about.  
\- What _did_ you want to talk about? It's gotta be a big deal, since you're here.

Rob made him uncomfortable. He didn't like him. He tried to convince himself that it wasn't just because he was the guy that had sex with Melinda.

\- The woman you met yesterday.

Rob looked up in surprise.

\- Melinda?

She'd given him her _real name?_

\- She seemed so... Please don't tell me she's a cold blooded killer or something...

Some would argue about that. 

\- No. 

If someone else would've done this interview, he wasn't sure their answers would be the same. His heart broke for her. 

\- I can't tell you why, but I need to find her.  
\- But she's not dangerous or evil?  
\- No. I assure you, she's not.  
\- Good. 

Rob took a sip out of his cup.

\- What did you say your name was?  
\- Phil Coulson.

Rob stared at him.

\- Wait a minute... You're _Phil?_  
\- She... mentioned me?

Rob smirked.

\- Sort of. I heard your name, if we say it like that.

She'd _talked about him?_

\- In what context?

Rob just laughed.

\- Excuse me for saying this, but your relationship is screwed up. 

_What was he talking about?_ Melinda had shared her feelings, her feelings about him, _Phil_ , with _this_ guy? Somehow, that made the jealousy that'd been bubbling in him flare up at full speed.

\- What relationship?  
\- You're the ex, right?

His heart almost stopped.

\- No.

If he'd ever get her, he'd _never_ let her go. He'd _never_ be Melinda May's ex. Not that he'd ever get the chance to be something that could result in him being her ex.

Damn his heart for hurting. It had no right to do that.

\- You're... you're not the ex?  
\- No. If you must know, I'm her boss. That's it.

That's it. That's all he'd ever be.

Damn you, _stupid, stupid heart._

\- But then, why did she...  
\- Did she what?

Rob shook his head.

\- It doesn't matter. 

He'd ask Melinda herself later. There was no time for this now.

\- So, you know anything about her whereabouts?  
\- Not really. We didn't... get to talk much, if you know what I mean.

He chuckled and raised his eyebrows. Phil wanted to flip over the table and have it land on him.

\- And then, when I woke up, she was gone.  
\- What time was this?  
\- 7am. 

She'd run. He should've known.

\- About that, what time is it?  
\- Quarter past 8.  
\- I have 10 minutes.  
\- Ok. Tell me everything.

Rob looked like he was about to chuckle again.

\- The _short_ version.

 

Yes, she'd slept with him. _Twice._

She had the right to do that. _He_ had _no right_ to be mad. He'd slept with someone else too, up until only recently. Besides, he and Melinda weren't dating. They'd never dated. He'd never even told her how he felt. He had no right to be angry. Or jealous. Or anything that wasn't how a best friend would react if his best friend had sex with someone that wasn't him.

But he _was_ mad. Not so much at her, though. More at himself. He shouldn't have let himself love her. He was an idiot for loving her.

He had to hear her voice. He was a pathetic, stupid, _stupid piece of shit_ , but he needed her.

He called her, not expecting to reach anything else than her recorded voicemail message.

He almost got a heart attack when she actually answered.

 

\- What's up?

She sounded... normal. He'd missed her. So much. So much.

Damn her for making him into this... this mess of a person.

\- That's _it?_ That's all you're gonna say? I've tried calling you for weeks, _weeks,_ Melinda, and you've _never_ picked up, I've been absolutely _terrified_ and _that's_ what you say? _'What's up?'_

\- You called only so you could yell at me?

She sounded hurt. He'd been too harsh. But he loved her. He loved her and she made him insane and he'd missed her so much.

\- I'm sorry. I've... I've just been worried, that's all.  
\- You shouldn't be. I'm ok.

No, she wasn't. He _knew_ she wasn't.

\- Do you wanna talk about it?

 

She'd picked up because she missed him. Because, despite knowing better, she still needed him. 

But she was exhausted. And everything was different between them now.

\- I don't even know what we are anymore, Phil.

She didn't. She loved him. But it was so complicated. They were a mess.

\- We're best friends. You're my _best friend_. I trust you more than _anyone else._ You're my right hand, my _guidance,_ you're...

She hated herself for her reaction to his words. He had such power over her. She had to break free.

\- It's all about how _you_ feel, isn't it? What _I_ am to _you?_ Not what _you_ are to _me?_ You don't care about that. It's all about _you._  
\- No, it's not!

He was upset. But so was she.

\- Yes, Phil, it is. That's the problem, isn't it? I'm tired of being 'your right hand' . You expect me to be there, all the time, having your back, _all the time,_ you take me for granted, and you've stopped caring about how _you_ could help _me_ , how _you_ could be there for _me..._  
\- Don't you dare. Don't you _dare,_ Melinda. I have always, _always_ been on your side. 

His voice was ice cold.

\- I've defended you, Melinda, I've _fought_ for you, I've _never, ever_ given up on you and...  
\- Don't treat me like your own personal charity case. 

She wanted him to do all that stuff because he _wanted_ to, because he _loved_ her, not because he felt obligated to.

\- I haven't...  
\- I don't need saving. I've never needed saving.  
\- Yes, you have. Stop that, Melinda.

Suddenly, the ice was gone and he sounded... tired.

\- Stop what?  
\- Stop pretending you're invincible. Stop being...  
\- Myself?  
\- No, just stop being so... indifferent.  
\- You mean cold.  
\- No. _Yes._ You can't deny it, Melinda, you're...  
\- I'm cold. 

She tried desperately to keep her voice steady, to not let him know that tears were rolling down her cheeks.

\- Please don't sound like that, I just meant that...  
\- You think I'm cold. _You._ You, _Phil,_ think I'm cold.

Her best friend. The _only person_ she'd trusted enough to show her vulnerabilities to, and _he_ thought she was cold.

\- No, I don't. I think you're _pretending_ to be cold to protect yourself.

That hit close to home. 

\- So all this time, when you've been 'defending' me, you've secretly agreed with them? With every person who've called me ice queen?  
\- No! Didn't you listen to me, I just said that...  
\- You don't listen to _me._ You don't care what _I_ have to say.  
\- Don't you say that. I _do_ care.

His voice trembled. It was filled with so much... if she didn't know any better, she'd say love. But he didn't love her. He'd _never_ loved her. And he was an ass and a crappy, _crappy_ best friend.

\- My ex turned out to be a monster and not once, not _once,_ did you ask how I was doing.  
\- I thought you needed space, I thought you wouldn't want me to...  
\- You're my best friend.  
\- I know that.  
\- You're the _only_ person I could talk to about this.

There was a rustle. He'd sat down.

\- I know that.  
\- You know that, but you still ignore me?  
\- I...  
\- Don't come here with your 'I thought that's what you wanted' bullshit. You _know_ I wanted you there.

Her voice was stern now. The anger had been laying there for months, crackling like a calm fire. Now she threw fuel on it.

\- I wasn't sure.  
\- When have I ever _not_ wanted you there? I agreed to go out in the _field again_ only because I wanted you there.  
\- You went out in the field again because Fury told you to.

Fuck him. _Fuck him._

\- I did it to protect you. You know what, Phil, I'm tired of having this conversation. I shouldn't have answered this call. You're only gonna bring up old arguments and try to turn things around so _I'll_ look like the horrible friend, not you. This was a mistake. I'm gonna hang up now.  
\- Please, don't... I'm sorry... Just... Stay. Please, talk to me.

He was pleading now. 

\- Why won't you let me go?  
\- I told you.  
\- No, you didn't.

He paused. Then he took a deep breath.

\- I care about you.

Her heart fluttered. She hated herself for that.

\- You shouldn't.  
\- Well, I do. I've cared for 30 years, Melinda. I won't stop now.

He did care. She knew that. She'd always known that. He didn't love her, but he cared. Because that was who he is. He always cared. It was one of the reasons she loved him.

\- It's no use.  
\- Maybe not. But I still care.  
\- Why?  
\- Because... you're the most important person to me. In the world. 

That sounded like love. She hated when he said stuff like that. It sounded too much like love and it broke her. 

\- What does your girlfriend say about that?

Yes, _good._ Bring up Rosalind. _Make him uncomfortable._ Stay _strong,_ woman. _Don't let him get to you._

\- We broke up.

What? They...

\- I'm sorry.  
\- Are you?

Her heart was beating loudly in her chest.

\- Of course I am. You liked her.  
\- Yes, I did.

Had he _loved_ her?

\- What happened?  
\- There was someone else.

Rosalind had...

\- She _cheated_ on you?! 

She was so pissed at Phil but _oh my god_ , Rosalind had _cheated on him_ , she'd _hurt the one she loved_ , that _backstabbing, evil, horrendous bit..._

\- Calm down. No, she didn't cheat on me. 

She could almost hear Phil smile on the other line. A sad smile, but still.

\- But there was someone else?

He paused again.

\- Yes. But for me, not for her.

For _him?_ Hope flickered in her for a second. She was pathetic.

\- You still there?  
\- Yes. It was Audrey. 

Of course it was Audrey. The beautiful, sweet Audrey. The Audrey who hadn't murdered a little girl in cold blood. The Audrey who made Phil feel safe and loved. The Audrey who was everything she wasn't. The Audrey who'd made the man she loved happier than she'd ever been able to.

\- What?  
\- The 'someone else.' It was Audrey, right? You still love her.  
\- No, I don't.

He didn't? 

It shouldn't matter. It shouldn't make her happy. 

It doesn't mean he loves _you, you sad, sad, fucking pathetic idiot._

\- But Rosalind thinks you do.

He was silent for a long time. She took that as a 'Yes'.

\- Are you ever coming back?  
\- I...  
\- I know I'm director and probably shouldn't do this but... Please, come back. Please, Melinda. I beg you. _Please,_ come back.

He sounded desperate and his words sounded too much like love again and she felt like crying.

\- I don't know if I can.  
\- I understand. But...  
\- It's too hard. After everything that's happened, with me, with you, with Andrew...

She loved him. She couldn't take being near him anymore. She couldn't have him so so close, while still not being able to have him. It hurt too much. Why couldn't he understand, why wouldn't he let her run away?

\- I know.  
\- I need a break.  
\- A permanent one, or...  
\- I don't know, ok? 

Her voice was harsh again. She was too hard on him. _Why wouldn't he let her go?_

\- I'm sorry.  
\- Me too.

Silence.

\- I've given my life to S.H.I.E.L.D., to _you_ , and for what?  
\- You're the greatest agent I know.  
\- But what if I want more out of life? I'm getting old, Phil. We both are. And I'm not sure that I want to dedicate my whole life to something that forces me to give up all chances of having any other life.  
\- I think that way too, sometimes, but you _belong_ here, Melinda, you were _born_ to do this, you were born to this life...

She'd always fallen for his convincing. She'd always done what he wanted her to.

_No more._

\- I don't care.  
\- Melinda...  
\- What if I want kids, huh? A family?  
\- You can still have that.  
\- No, I can't. You know I can't.

They were both silent for a long time. 

\- You're actually saying you want to leave?

Phil sounded heartbroken. She was breaking his heart. And he didn't love her, but he cared. And he needed her. But was that enough? She wasn't sure anymore.

\- I don't know what I'm saying. But I gave up my whole life, and I want it back now. What's left of it, anyway.  
\- You gave it up for a good reason. We _both_ did.  
\- Yes, Phil. You're dedicated to the cause. You're the _director_ , for god's sake. But _I'm_ essentially _nothing_ to the organisation I've been willing to die for.

His comeback was fast and his voice strong.

\- That's not true.  
\- Phil...  
\- Besides, even if you were noting to S.H.I.E.L.D., which _isn't true_ , you're still _everything_ to _me._

Why did he do this? Why did he say stuff like that when he didn't love her?

\- Phil, don't...  
\- And since _you're_ everything to _me,_ and _I'm_ the director...  
\- You're just trying to make me stay. You don't mean that.

He didn't mean that. She couldn't let herself believe he meant that. She'd been let down before. Her heart was broken enough as it was.

\- What if I _do_ mean that?

Her blood froze.

\- What are you talking about?

He sighed.

\- Melinda...  
\- What are you saying?

Her heart was racing so fast and loudly she was sure he could hear it through the phone.

\- I can't do this now. Not like this. Not over the phone. Not when everything's so...

His voice had turned soft again. Soft and sad.

\- Tell me.  
\- I can't.  
\- Would it make me stay? If so, now would _really_ be the time to say it.  
\- I don't know. I don't know if it would.  
\- Say it.  
\- I don't...  
\- Please, Phil.  
\- Tell me where you are. I want to meet up.  
\- I won't tell you unless you...  
\- Don't do this, Melinda. _Please._

He was pleading again. She couldn't give in.

\- Tell me. Say it. Say it, or I'm never coming back.  
\- Me saying it could make you hate me. That would _also_ mean you'd never be back.  
\- But it _could_ mean that I would?  
\- I don't know. It's too risky. It's such horrible timing. I can't...  
\- Phil. _Now._  
\- No.  
\- I'm quitting tomorrow.  
\- Please, _don't do this._

He was begging her now. She'd never been able to resist this tone in his voice.

Now she _had to._

\- Why do you care so much if I stay or go? Why, Phil?  
\- Stop.  
\- Why did it end with Rosalind?  
\- Don't.  
\- Why did you trust me to kill you?  
\- I...  
\- What did 'I can replace him. You, not so much.' mean?  
\- Just...  
\- Why did you buy us an apartment? Why did you want me out in the field again, just so I could be on your team? How did you know agent 33 wasn't me? Why wouldn't you be in my wedding ceremony, even if both Andrew and I asked you to? Why have you never lost faith in me, and never let me go, even after Bahrain? After me treating you and everyone around me like crap, you wouldn't give up on me, you never _ever_ gave up on me, why is that? Why do you always come to me for advice? Why did you show me your scar when I asked you to, even though you wouldn't show it to anybody else? Why was I the one you came to when you thought you were going crazy and would lose everything? Why do you look at me the way you do? Why do I sometimes get the feeling that you...

She couldn't believe she'd just said all that. Everything that'd circled around in her thoughts for months, even _years, everything_ was out in the open.

She was absolutely terrified, but it was out there, and there was no going back now.

Her heart was racing, her hand was shaking so much she could barely hold on to the phone, she felt sick to her stomach and...

He still hadn't said anything. Had he hung up? No, he was still there. 

_Please say something,_ just _anything, she needed him to..._

\- I can't talk about this.

He'd switched to his 'boss' voice now.

\- We _need_ to talk about it, Phil. We've needed to talk about it for a long, long time now. 

Silence. Again. And she couldn't believe she'd just said that. _Again._

\- I can't lose you.

He sounded exhausted. Exhausted and hurt.

\- Why?  
\- Because I...  
\- Why do you need me?  
\- You're...  
\- Yes?  
\- You're my best friend. That's all. You're my best friend.

So, he didn't love her. Of course he didn't. She knew that. She'd been stupid for letting herself believe anything else, even for a minute. He didn't love her. It was ok. She'd be ok. She was completely broken right now, but she'd recover from this.

She tried to laugh. She tried to not sound like her heart had been ripped apart.

\- Now, was that so hard?

She'd be ok.

\- No. But that's not what makes it so hard.  
\- What makes it so hard?  
\- What makes it hard is that you're my best friend but I lied, that's _not_ all, I also...

Silence.

She couldn't breathe.

\- Where are you?  
\- I'm at my Mom's.  
\- I'm coming over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. Another chapter. Also yes, still angst.
> 
> This hurt to write. I hope it hurts to read.
> 
> Comments/kudos are (almost) better than chocolate.
> 
> THANK YOU for reading.
> 
> More to come, stay tuned.
> 
> Hugs.
> 
> xx


	9. Tell her

Once he finally stood by the door and had rang the doorbell, he realized he had no idea what to say.

He heard footsteps coming towards him. Too late to come up with some great speech now. Just say those three words, don't be a scared little boy, just _say_ them, _do it do it do..._

The door opened.

\- Um... Hi.

Melinda's mother looked back at him, disapprovingly. She'd never liked him. He didn't blame her.

She didn't say anything, just stood there in the doorway and looked at him, with her head slightly jolted. 

\- Is... Is Melinda here?

He sounded like a teenager making nervous and awkward conversation with his prom date's mom. He was such a fucking _idiot._

\- She's out for the moment.  
\- Right. Well, I guess I'll just...

She turned and walked back in towards the kitchen. Just when he'd decided that that meant she wanted him to go, she turned back against him.

\- Come.

He did.

\- Close the door behind you.

He did.

She was in the kitchen now. He heard her get something he assumed was a teapot from the cupboard. All the times he'd been here, he'd drank tea.

\- Get in here.

Once again, he did.

 

She hadn't been nervous in years. But Phil had missed her. He'd called her every day. She'd never answered, but he'd kept calling. It was like the time after Bahrain all over again. Only then, he'd eventually given up. Only then, he hadn't said what he had said now, he hadn't said something that could've meant that... that _could've..._ Back then, he hadn't said something that could possibly, _maybe_ be what she'd been waiting years for him to say.

And now, he was coming over.

She'd barely slept. Once she'd given up and gotten up, she'd been walking aimlessly around the house, picking up stuff and putting them down again, making herself a sandwich but forgetting all about it and finding it three hours later, trying to read but being too distracted to understand any of the words... She'd driven her mother crazy. She hadn't said anything, her mother had never been a woman of many words (they were alike that way), but it had been obvious. And after she'd forgotten the water on in the bathtub and the bathroom was, well, basically flooded, her mother had had enough. She'd forced her to go outside. "Don't come back for two hours or I'll disown you." she'd said, while handing her a water bottle and her old running shoes. It seemed fair. So now, she was out running. And Phil was on his way. She picked up the pace and tried to forget about that.

 

\- You're going to force her to come back to your team.

He'd gotten inside the kitchen, she'd gestured to him to sit down, she'd given him a cup of tea (with milk, just how he liked it) and she'd sat down on the other side of the table, sipping from her own cup. All this had been done in complete silence. He'd known it was like the calm before the storm.

And apparently, now the storm was here.

\- I'm not gonna _force_ her to do anything. I'll _ask_ her.  
\- She's not going to refuse you.  
\- Well...

She sat down her cup.

\- What do you have to offer my daughter?  
\- Excuse me?  
\- What are your intentions with her?  
\- I don't... I don't understand...  
\- It is not a difficult question. Easy to understand. You know English, yes?  
\- Yes.  
\- You understand the basic concept of questions and can answer them in English, yes?  
\- Yes, of course, I just...  
\- I ask again. What are your intentions?

Her eyes hadn't parted from his.

\- Truth?  
\- Of course. If I did not want the truth, I would not have asked for it.  
\- Right. Well, the truth is...

He cleared his throat and stared down at the table. He was insane for even considering saying this to her. He couldn't look at her while being insane.

\- The truth is... I love her.

He didn't dare to look up. But when several seconds had passed, and she hadn't moved and he was still breathing, he tore his eyes away from the ground.

\- I'm in love with your daughter.

She looked right at him. Her face didn't reveal anything. He had no idea what she was thinking.

Then, after another several seconds of total silence, she got up to the counter and poured herself another cup of tea.

Then, she turned against him.

\- Want another cup?  
\- Um... yes, why not.

She took his cup. She even added milk. _Again._ Even after what he'd just said.

\- You... you heard what I said?  
\- I might be old, but I am not deaf.

He swallowed.

\- So, what do you...  
\- You didn't answer my question.  
\- Your...  
\- I asked for your intentions.

He raised his eyebrows in surprise. His heart was beating a hundred miles per hour.

\- That's what you want to talk about? Not about what I just told you?  
\- That you're in love with my daughter?

She took another sip of tea and warmed her hands on the cup. She was radiating calmness and tranquility. It was absolutely terrifying.  
¨  
\- Yes, that is what I just told you.  
\- I don't need to talk about that. I've known that for _decades._

His heart jumped in his chest. He was sure he'd turned whiter than a ghost.

\- You...

He mumbled and stared at his shaking hands, trying to regain composure.

She just kept talking, seemingly not even recognizing his current state. 

\- So, what are your intentions?

He cleared his throat and looked at her. She apparently knew everything, she knew how deep and longstanding his... feelings were, and _had been_ , for many, many years. She understood everything. Hell, she'd understood it before _he_ had.

\- I'm gonna tell her.

As the words were leaving his mouth, he knew them to be true. It was too late, he couldn't back out now. He didn't _want_ to back out now. He'd never been more scared about anything before, but he _wasn't_ backing out.

\- So, you'll tell her. And then what?  
\- Then I'll continue to love her for the rest of my life, if she'll let me.

She nodded, obviously pleased.

\- Now, are you staying for dinner? How does duck sound?  
\- That sounds perfect.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> New chapter!
> 
> Hope you enjoy!! 
> 
> Does this lead to a happy ending in the upcoming chapter, or is there more angst in sight? I'm not gonna reveal anything, but if you've read this story this far, you might have an understanding of how I work.
> 
> (The promise that that this story will eventually get a teeth rotting, 'happy tears' fluff fest ending still stands.)
> 
> Comments/kudos make my day.
> 
> Take care.
> 
> xx


	10. You want me, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sexy times.
> 
> be warned.

She'd come home. 

They'd just stepped into her childhood bedroom, to "talk", as Melinda's mother had put it.

The pleasantries had already been shared. Now, it was time for him to get the truth out.

He buried his face in his hands a couple of seconds, took a deep breath, and then he looked at her.

Damn, she was beautiful. He loved her so much. The great speech he'd prepared on the way over was completely gone from his mind. She was so beautiful. _Damn._

\- Melinda, I...  
\- Shut up.

Before he could understand what was happening, her lips were on his. Melinda May was kissing him. Melinda May's hands were around his waist. She was so close, her smell was overwhelming, and she was _kissing him_ , with such force and passion it completely took his breath away, she kissed him and kissed him and then her hands moved up to his chest, she began to unbutton his shirt...

It took every ounce of strength he had to push her away.

\- Wait.

His whole body was shaking with desire. Melinda May had kissed him, and he'd _pushed her away?_ This was probably the _stupidest_ thing he'd ever do in his _life._ But he knew it had to be done. They _had_ to have this conversation.

\- Why are you doing this?

Melinda stared back at him. Her eyes didn't reveal any emotion.

\- You want me.  
\- I...

Then, he could see a hint of worry flicker in her eyes.

\- You do want me, right?

He took a deep breath.

\- Can we just take a time out? Talk about this? Calmly?

He gestured for them to sit down. She shook her head.

\- No.

She grabbed the hem of her shirt and took it off, not breaking eye contact for a second.

Her bra was purple and lacy.

He swallowed hard.

\- Melinda, please...

Now she was taking off her pants. He couldn't tear his eyes away. She had to understand the power she had over him, because she smiled, a smile that made his knees weak.

Her underwear matched her bra.

He couldn't think rationally anymore. All his blood was in his... Well, not in his brain.

\- Melinda...

His voice was hoarse and low. She smiled again. She knew she had him. Damn. Damn, damn, damn.

When her bra hit the floor, he knew he was done for.

\- You like what you see?  
\- Oh my god, Melinda...

Her breast were prefect. He wanted to bury his face in them.

She began tugging at her underwear, slowly, teasingly, while licking her lips. When she smiled that seducing smile again and bit her lower lip, he had trouble standing upright.

The underwear fell to the floor.

\- Oops.

She was sexiest, most beautiful being he'd ever seen. His imagination had done her no justice.

She came closer, and closer, and...

Her hard nipples were almost grazing his chest.

He wanted noting else than to grab her and fuck her senseless.

\- You _do_ want me, right?

_If he did._

He could only nod.

She smiled and bit her lower lip again.

Then, she looked down.

\- Yes, it sure seems like you do, doesn't it?

When she grabbed him through his pants he almost came right then and there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> Thank you so much to everyone reading this story! I love you all.
> 
> More to come.
> 
> Comment/kudos are a writer's best friend.
> 
> Have a great day.
> 
> xx


	11. Beautiful

He was beautiful.

She'd always known he was beautiful, but seeing him like this, naked, tangled up in old sheets she remembered from her childhood, sound asleep... He was _so beautiful._

His eyelids fluttered. He smiled in his sleep.

She wanted to cry.

She'd woken up in his arms. Her head had been on his chest, right next to his scar. The scar that took him away from her. Tears had formed in the corner of her eyes when she'd touched it yesterday. She hoped he hadn't seen that.

She ran her fingers through his chest hair. Then, her fingers landed on the only physical evidence that was left of the memory of Nat calling her at 3am, with a voice that immediately made her understand, somehow she understood, even before Nat had gotten the words out, she'd understood that she'd lost him, that she'd lost her best friend, her...

Her fingers trembled.

She carefully moved his arm away from her waist, untangled their tangled legs, and stood up.

He moved in his sleep, but he hadn't woken up.

She was just about to turn around and walk away, when she stopped.

She leaned down and gently kissed his lips.

It might be the last time she'd ever get to do that.

 

\- Hi, May.  
\- Hi.

Maria's voice was tired and blurry, like she'd just woken up. It was, after all, 8am. And Maria was a night owl.

\- This better be good.  
\- I don't know about that...  
\- Let me guess. It's about Phil again.  
\- Yes, but...

Maria sighed.

\- Honestly Melinda, you should just talk to him.  
\- I know, but listen...  
\- He's gonna find you, you know. He won't stop looking until he finds you.  
\- Right.

Melinda took a deep breath.

\- Why do you think that is?  
\- Why do I think _what_ is?  
\- Why do you think won't he give up on me?  
\- I think it matters more what _he_ thinks.  
\- I want to know what _you_ think.

She could almost hear the eye roll.

\- The only thing _I_ think is that you two need to sort this out. In person.  
\- He broke up with her.  
\- What? Really? Why?

Maria voice had gone from 'fuck you. I only took this call because I love you, but fuck you.' to 'mildly interested.'

\- Wait, how do you know that?  
\- He called.  
\- And you _answered?_

Maria sounded surprised. She didn't blame her. She'd been surprised too.

\- Well, yeah. After a while.  
\- And?  
\- He said he missed me. He begged me to come back.  
\- And he told you he broke it off with Rosalind.  
\- Yes.  
\- Did he tell you why?  
\- There's someone else.  
\- For...  
\- For him.

There was a pause. 

\- It's you.

Maria sounded so sure. Like it was a given. Like there wasn't any other possibility.

It suddenly became difficult to breathe.

\- He didn't say, but... I don't know, I mean it seemed like...  
\- It seemed like...?  
\- Like he wanted to confess something.  
\- That he's in love with you.  
\- I don't know if that's what he...  
\- _Come on_ , Melinda. 

Now Maria's tone of voice clearly said 'I love you, but you're an idiot. Like such an idiot. Melinda, seriously.'

Then, she cleared her throat an continued.

\- He _wanted_ to confess something? But he _didn't?_  
\- No. He said he wouldn't do it over the phone.  
\- Oh, so definitely a love confession then.

She couldn't let herself believe that.

\- Maria...  
\- You need to tell him where you are. 

She swallowed.

\- I already did.

Maria's tone of voice changed to 'approving'.

\- Good! Then...  
\- And he came here. 

The 'approval' turned to 'surprise'.

\- He's already _there?_ Where are you?  
\- At my mother's.  
\- He came to your _mother's?_ Wow, he must _really_ love you.

Melinda couldn't help but smile. Phil had always been intimidated by her mother. It was kind of hilarious.

\- When did he come?

Depends on what she meant with 'come'.

\- Last night.

That was the truth either way. 

\- So, you've already talked?

Melinda twirled her hair. She always did that when she was nervous.

\- Not so much.  
\- Then what did you do all night?  
\- Well...  
\- Oh my god.

That hadn't taken her long to figure out.

\- Maria...  
\- Oh my _god_. Are you _serious?!_

Melinda couldn't help but smile again. Maria usually never lost her cool, but now she was _totally_ freaking out.

\- Serious about what?  
\- Melinda, I _swear..._  
\- We sort of... you know...  
\- You _slept_ with him?!

Maria still didn't seem to fully believe it. When she didn't hear a protest, the fact of the matter really seemed to dawn on her.

\- You _did. Oh my god._

Her voice changed to 'pissed'.

\- Why didn't you tell me?  
\- I did tell you.  
\- Yeah, eventually. Why wasn't it your opening line? When you've _finally_ hooked up with the guy you've wanted for more than half your life, _that's your opening line._  
\- I know. I'm just... It happened so fast, I don't...

Maria chuckled.

\- Fast? As in, _he_ was fast?

Melinda smiled.

\- Not even a little bit.  
\- I don't want to hear. So, how did it happen?  
\- The usual way. Need me to explain to you about the birds and the bees again?  
\- Funny. I mean, like, who made the first move...  
\- I did.  
\- You did. What happened?  
\- Well, we went up to my room, to 'talk'...

Maria interrupted her.

\- You had sex with him in your _old bedroom?_  
\- Yes. Where else should we have done it?  
\- I don't know.  
\- We're in my childhood home, remember. Not many places I could've done this.  
\- Right. So, you're in there, alone, I assume?  
\- Yes.  
\- You 'talked', and then...  
\- We didn't talk.  
\- You didn't talk? What, you just jumped him?  
\- Sort of.

Maria laughed out in surprise.

\- _Really?_ Jumped how?  
\- I kissed him, and then...  
\- He's a good kisser?

Melinda's stomach warmed at the memory.

\- The best.  
\- Ok, too much information.  
\- You asked.

She could almost hear Maria shaking her head through the phone.

\- So, you kiss him, just like that?  
\- Just like that.  
\- He kissed you back?  
\- Yes, at first. But then he pushed me away, asked what was happening and why I was doing it, and... and I said 'because you want me'.

Maria let out a little giggle.

\- You really said that?  
\- Yes, I did, ok.  
\- No need to get so defensive. You say that, and he...  
\- He wanted to talk about it.

Maria went back to being serious.

\- Let me guess, _you didn't._

She didn't.

\- No. No, I didn't.

The silence had so many words in it. But Maria knew her. So she didn't push.

\- So, you don't talk. Instead, you...  
\- I take off my shirt. And then my pants. And then...  
\- You _stripped_ for him?

She could imagine Maria's face. She wished she'd been able to see it for real, though.

\- I guess you could call it that.  
\- How did he react?

He'd been absolutely transfixed. And really, really turned on. She'd turned him on. She'd never felt sexier in her life. _She'd turned Phil Coulson on._

\- It shut him up, if we say it like that.

Maria chuckled at how proudly she said that.

\- And then you had sex.  
\- And then we had sex.  
\- How was it?

Melinda raised her eyebrows.

\- You really want to know?  
\- I'm probably gonna regret this, but yes, I do.

She tried to come up with the perfect words to illustrate just how good it'd been. Then, she decided that the best way to explain was to simply lay down the facts.

\- I came four times.  
\- Yes, I regret it, I did not want to know that.

They laughed.

\- Where are you now?  
\- The balcony. He's still asleep.

Maria got serious again.

\- He's gonna want to talk about it.  
\- I know.  
\- You can't run from that.  
\- I know.

The silence was filled with so many words again.

\- So, why did you do it?  
\- I...  
\- I mean, why _now?_

Melinda had to sit down. Her legs weren't steady at the moment. _Nothing_ about her was steady at the moment.

\- I don't know, he... I missed him. I walk in and he's there, he's beautiful and insanely sexy and he smiles, he smiles like he's really happy to see me, and my mother's still there but he gives me a quick hug and... I couldn't breathe, he smelled so good, he smells _really really_ good, did you know that?  
\- Can't say I've ever given it much thought.

Maria thought she was ridiculous. She didn't care.

\- And his arms... _Oh my god,_ Maria, his _arms,_ they're so strong and they fit around my waist perfectly, and his hands are big and soft and...  
\- How long _was_ this hug? Seems like you had plenty of time to think about his various body parts.  
\- It wasn't long, I just... I've thought about this stuff before. A _lot._ And for a _long_ time. But now, I'd spent weeks missing him and dreaming about him, and then he was in front of me, close to me, smelling _really good_ , and I... he made my knees weak.

Other things had also happened to her body. But they had been a little more... _intimate._

\- He gives you a 3 second hug and you're horny?

Of course she'd say it right out. Maria wasn't exactly what you'd call 'a prude.'

\- My mother was there.  
\- So he _didn't_ make you horny?  
\- Oh yeah, he did. But she was there, so it was awkward. 

Maria chuckled softly.

\- So, you get him alone, and you...  
\- I had to have him. Right then and there. I didn't care about anything else. I didn't care that crossing that line was a bad, bad idea.

She could see the frown Maria undoubtedly had on her face before her eyes.

\- Why is it a bad idea?

She'd never said these words out loud before. But it was Maria. And she suspected she already knew.

\- I... I'm in love with him. I love him so very much.  
\- I know that.

Of course she'd know that.

\- And now I know everything. How _soft_ and _tender_ he is, the _sounds_ he makes, how he _looks_ when he...  
\- Ok, I understand. Don't need details.  
\- Now I know, _really_ know, how amazing he is in every way and how wonderful we are together, I mean I've never... It's _never_ been that good with anyone else, _ever..._  
\- Not even Andrew?  
\- That was good too but... It wasn't like this. It didn't _feel_ like _this._ And now, when I know, losing him is gonna hurt so much more.  
\- Who says you're gonna lose him?

The memories came flooding back. The sleepless nights. Her trashed apartment after the fits of rage. The alcohol that could numb her, make her forget, even for a couple of minutes. Her sleeping with his old Captain America t-shirt. Her going alone to the restaurant they always ate at together. Her mom holding her while she sobbed uncontrollably. Her listening to his old voicemails over and over. Her making his favorite cookies and crying into the batter. Her blaming herself because she'd been an idiot, she'd been _such a selfish idiot_ , and she hadn't been there to save him, if she'd been there, _she could've saved him,_ he could still be _alive_ if she hadn't been so damn _selfish._ Her desperately trying to remember how his hugs felt. Her understanding she'd never get over this. Her going through his things and finding every letter she'd ever written him, neatly packed together in a box that he'd written 'M' on, and beside it, he'd drawn a dove, because only a couple of months after they'd met, she'd mentioned that she liked them.

Her forcing herself not to cry more than Audrey at his funeral. Clint holding her hand, like he'd _known._

Her kneeling by his grave, whispering the words she never gained enough courage to say to his face.

\- He already died once. If I let him in... I don't know if I can survive next time.  
\- Oh, honey...  
\- I'm scared.  
\- I know, sweetie. I know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M SO SORRY.
> 
> I AM SO VERY SORRY.
> 
> (I also hope your heart is breaking 'cause I'm evil)
> 
> Hope you like this!
> 
> Take care.
> 
> Until next time.
> 
> xx


	12. Stay

When he woke up, she wasn't there.

Yesterday, when they were done with... the _physical thing_ , she hadn't run away, like he'd thought she would. She'd stayed. She'd laid her head on his shoulder, she'd sprawled her fingers on his stomach, she'd kissed his neck and she'd _stayed._ She'd stayed, and she'd fallen asleep in his arms.

But now, she was gone.

He would've thought it all had just been one of his usual dreams, if it wasn't for the fact that he was in her bed. And he was naked. And the sheets smelled like her. It'd happen, alright. _He'd had sex with Melinda May._

It'd been the greatest sex of his life. 

But he'd wanted her to be there when he woke up.

And she wasn't.

 

\- Hi.

She was wearing his shirt. Her hair was messy. Her cheeks a little flushed. She looked... _damn_. Damn, damn, damn.

He quickly stood up and wrapped the sheet around his waist.

\- Hi.

He was probably smiling like an idiot.

She had a large cup of something he assumed was tea in her hand.

She walked up to him and gave him the cup.

\- I made you coffee.

 _She'd made him coffee._

If he hadn't been smiling like an idiot before, he definitely was now.

\- You made me coffee.

She tried hiding the smile curling her lips.

\- Yes. Relax, it's no big deal. It's just coffee.  
\- You _hate_ coffee.  
\- True. 

The look she gave him said 'but I don't hate _you_.'

\- You're wearing my shirt.  
\- Sorry, I'll...  
\- No need to apologize. Although, you look better in it than I do.

She smiled again.

\- Want me to take it off?

Oh, _definitely._

 

She was weak.

So, so weak.

She'd been supposed to go back to tell him it'd been a bad idea. A mistake. That they couldn't do it again. 

But then, he'd looked the way he looked. He'd been naked in her bed. And even with the sheet around his waist, she'd seen... well, it all. She'd remembered how sexy he was.

The coffee had been supposed to just soften the blow. Make him hate her less. Apparently, it'd just made him like her more. He'd said she looked good in his shirt, he'd _smiled...._

Game over.

She was laying naked in his arms again.

She was _so weak._

 

\- We should get up.

He didn't want to. He'd thought he'd never get to have her this close again. But there she was. 

He didn't want her to go.

\- No.  
\- Phil...

They were _spooning_ , for god's sake. It _had_ to mean _something_. He didn't know _what_. He had some idea though. It meant that she was lonely. She was damaged and needed some human contact. It probably didn't mean anything else than that. She probably didn't love him.

But she _had_ slept with him. 

And she hadn't ran away yet.

That was good enough.

It _had_ to be.

 

The look in his eyes shook her world.

The sex had been amazing. He was really good in bed. 

But what really shook her was the look in his eyes when he looked at her.

She'd tried to tell herself that this wasn't anything. All the time while he'd been fucking her, making _love_ to her, she'd been telling herself that it didn't mean _anything_ , it was _just sex_ , it was just sex and she was safe. Sex, she could handle. She could control sex.

But he'd almost told her... He'd said something that could mean... And besides, Phil Coulson didn't do casual sex. And he'd had sex with her.

She knew _exactly_ what that meant.

And she knew he had to be deranged.

He deserved so, so much better.

 

\- This was a mistake. 

She had her back to him. Her voice was merely a whisper.

\- What?

The pain in his voice strangled her heart. She'd hurt him. She knew she would. But this was for the best. _Please, God, make him realize that this is for the best._

\- We shouldn't have done this. I'm sorry.  
\- You're sorry? For what?

His hands were still around her waist. He was too close.

\- I'm sorry for taking advantage of you. I shouldn't have...  
\- You didn't take....  
\- I'm sorry for putting you in a situation where it'd be really difficult for you to refrain yourself from... fucking me.

He was silent for a long time. Then, he turned her around and forced her to look at him. She let him. They'd been best friends for 30 years. She owed him that.

\- We need to talk about this.

His voice was hard, but his eyes were soft, soft and heartbreaking, she loved him so much and she was breaking his heart. 

\- I don't want to.  
\- I got that.

He scoffed and shook his head. He looked so hurt. She should've never done this, any of it. He looked so very hurt.

\- We had _sex_ , Melinda. 

He sighed. He closed his eyes. He took his hands away from her. It wasn't better.

\- I don't know how you feel about it or why you did it, but I need to know what you think about this, Melinda, please just _talk to me_ , we can...  
\- You want to know what I think?

He opened his eyes again. 

\- Yes, of course, I...

He was pleading with her. He was _begging_ her.

\- I think you should go.

She got up from the bed, turned her back to him, and picked up her shirt from the floor. She had to get dressed. She had to have her armor.

\- Why are you doing this? And why did you sleep with me?  
\- It doesn't matter.  
\- Of course it matters!

He almost screamed. Phil was usually so soft spoken, sometimes she forgot he could scream.

\- Don't yell at me.  
\- I just don't understand why you...

He stood up and walked towards her. She caught a glimpse of him in the mirror. He hadn't bothered to put on any pants. Or his shirt. Or his boxers.

He was completely naked.

She felt his hand on her arm, her back still against him.

\- Look at me.

No.

\- Please, Melinda. Look at me.

_No._

He grabbed her arm harder and forced her to turn around.

\- Don't touch me.

She fought off his hand. He looked a little scared. She could end him in less than 2 minutes. He knew that.

\- Let.  
\- GO!

She pushed him. Hard. 

He was completely shocked.

She had to push him away. He wouldn't leave voluntarily. She had to push him away. With all she had.

\- What the hell...  
\- I told you to go, didn't I?

He just stared at her.

\- DIDN'T I?!  
\- Yes, you did. I'm not leaving. I won't let you run away again.

Her blood was boiling. 

\- I'm not joking, Phil.

He took a step closer.

\- Neither am I.  
\- Fine. At least put some clothes on then.

He looked down, and seemed to only then realize that he was naked. He quickly found his pants and put them on. He was still shirtless though. It was very distracting.

\- Talk to me.

 _No._

\- Fine. I'll talk then.

He took a deep breath.

\- You say this was a mistake. You have the right to think that.  
\- Yes.  
\- I'm not done. You have the right to think that. I have the right to think this was the best sex of my life.

She looked up. He was serious. Oh, man. Why did he have to do this? Why did he have to make this so very difficult?

\- Was this just about sex for you?  
\- I...  
\- 'Cause if it was.... I don't expect anything from you, I know that you...  
\- That I what?

He cleared his throat and adverted her eyes.

\- That you do this casual sex thing, and...  
\- What are you implying?  
\- I'm not implying anything.

She shot him a glare. He put his hands up in defeat.

\- I'm not! I'm just saying...  
\- That I'm so desperate that I fuck every living, breathing thing I can get my hands on?  
\- No, that's not what I...

He sighed and sat down on the bed. All energy seemed to have left his body. 

\- You can do whatever you want. It isn't any of my business.

He looked up at her.

\- Or, let me say, _usually_ , it isn't any of my business. But as of now, I'm _involved_ with that business.

She didn't want him to be involved with it. Not like that. He wasn't just another guy. He was the guy she'd once been dreaming about marrying. He _couldn't_ be just another guy. 

\- I just want to know if...

He looked nervous.

Then, something seemed to hit him.

\- I'm your rebound, aren't I?  
\- What are you...

He chuckled and threw his hands up in the air.

\- God, I'm such an _idiot_ , of _course_ that's what this was...  
\- What are you talking about?  
\- You slept with that Rob guy for the same reason. You had sex with him to get over someone.

_To get over **you.**_

\- Wait, how did you...  
\- He told me. Nice guy. Very... strong.  
\- Phil...

He shook his head. He smiled. She knew him better than anyone. She saw right through it.

\- It's ok, May. We can write this off as you having to deal with this whole Andrew thing, and then we can...  
\- What's your reason?

He froze.

\- Sorry?  
\- What's _your_ reason for doing it, then?

He paused.

\- Well... Well, I...

He was running his hand through his hair. Just like she'd done only 20 minutes ago. She missed the feeling already. She'd never get to do it again.

\- You're... You're not exactly repulsive.  
\- Thank you.

He looked up at her. His eyes almost made her loose her balance

\- In fact, you're... you're _absolutely..._

He cleared his throat and looked down at her flowery mat.

\- Anyway, when someone like _you..._

A thought have seemed to hit him again.

\- Rosalind.  
\- What about her?

He was talking fast, like his words would help him run away from a moving train.

\- I had to get over her. _That's_ why I...

His phone rang.

\- Daisy?

He listened for a while, nodded along.

\- Ok. Be right there.

Then he turned to her.

\- That was Daisy. The team needs us.

_Us?_

He stopped in the doorway.

\- You coming?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Angst. What a surprise, huh?
> 
> THANK YOU for all your comments/kudos, I appreciate them so much!! Keep doing that stuff, please!
> 
> I really hope you enjoy this, even though it (hopefully) hurts a little.
> 
> Take care.
> 
> xx


	13. Come home

Wow.

_Idiot._

She would most _definitely_ run away again.

He'd been so close. So close to playing it cool. So close to pretending that having sex with the love of his life wasn't a big deal. That they could go back to what they were. That nothing had to change. That she would come back, be his partner, have his back, and it wouldn't be different. That it'd been just sex. That his heart didn't almost tear apart when he looked at her. That he'd be ok with having her just once. That she didn't turn him into a lovesick fool.

He'd been _so close._

_So damn close._

She would leave him again.

He was _such an idiot._

 

For a couple of seconds, she was sure she'd heard wrong.

\- You want me to come _with you?_

He looked at her, surprised.

\- Of course. That's why I came here in the first place.

She wished he would say he'd came because he missed her. She wished him saying those words wouldn't be a bad thing. She wished things were different.

\- Melinda, I...

He stood in the doorway. His shirt was buttoned wrong. The lines in his face were clearly visible.

He looked exhausted.

He sighed. The way his eyes looked right at that moment made her want to rush into his arms and never let go.

She needed to get herself together.

\- I... Please, come back, Melinda. I can't... I know you think things have changed, that it'll be awkward, with everything that's... _happened_ , but I _promise_ , it won't be any different, we'll go back to normal, I can...

He talked fast, but his words sounded weak, quiet, like he had trouble getting them out.

He looked like a mess.

He looked like he'd looked when he'd been carving.

\- Please...

He was begging her with his eyes. 

He hadn't moved from the doorway. Maybe he was afraid he wouldn't be able to keep distance if he got any closer.

She understood completely, and thanked him in her mind for being strong enough. If he'd be closer, she wouldn't be able to keep away. Not when he looked at her like that.

He ran his fingers through his hair and looked up at the ceiling, before catching her eyes again.

\- Come home.

She didn't know what to do. She sat there, on the edge of the bed, hands in her lap, heart beating wildly in her chest, and she _didn't know what to do._

\- _Please_ , Melinda. Come home.

 

She was coming home.

She'd promised she'd come home.

He could see she'd meant it, he could see it in her beautiful, beautiful eyes, the same eyes that haunted his dreams, the eyes he'd missed so much it'd broke him, the eyes that had looked into his yesterday, keeping intense eye contact while the owner of those eyes had been straddling his naked body, moving with him inside her, smiling as he'd let everything go.

He felt himself getting hard again.

Bad, _bad_ idea.

It had been the last time they'd ever get to be that close. A part of him had known that from the very beginning.

But at least he'd still have that one memory.

And he'd get to continue to look into her beautiful, beautiful eyes.

_She was coming home._

 

When he came downstairs, Melinda’s mother stood in the kitchen doorway, arms crossed, and stared at him.

She made him absolutely terrified.

He cleared his throat.

\- Good morning!

She didn’t answer.

\- I’m just waiting for Melinda, she had to pack, plus she had trouble finding her leather jacket, and you know how she feels about that jacket, she can't live without it, sometimes I…

\- You spent the night with her.

_Oh shit._

He felt the blush creeping up on his cheeks.

\- You didn’t… I mean, we… _I_ , didn’t…

If he didn't know any better, he'd said she'd just rolled her eyes at him.

\- _Disturb_ me? No. I had some business to take care of. I came back here 20 minutes ago.

Thank _god_ for that, at least. They hadn't exactly been... quiet. Who would've thought that Melinda would be so...

An intense pair of eyes staring at him woke him up from his daydream.

\- If you weren't here... How could you know...

This time, he swore he saw a small smile curve her lips.

\- There's noting upstairs besides Melinda's bedroom. I assume you haven't slept in my study?

He shook his head, fiercely.

There was that small smile again.

She was _laughing_ at him.

He'd laugh at him too, if he'd been in her shoes.

\- That, and your shirt is buttoned wrong.

He sighed.

She walked into the kitchen. He followed her and sat down at the table, resting his head in his hands.

She gave him a cup of tea (with milk), took one cup herself, and sat down at the opposite end of the table.

\- You told her.

He looked up at her.

She looked back for a couple of seconds.

Then she frowned.

\- You _did_ tell her, right?

He avoided her eyes. He couldn't look at her while admitting that he and Melinda hadn't done _anything_ except fuck like horny teenagers.

She continued to stare at him, the frown becoming more and more visible every second.

Oh, she was _furious._

\- You didn’t tell her.  
\- I…  
\- You chickened out.  
\- No! I tried to tell her, but then…  
\- You chickened out.  
\- She didn't want to talk about it, I couldn't _force_ her to…  
\- You chickened out.

He sighed again and went back to burying his face in his hands.

\- Yeah. I chickened out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay!! new chapter!
> 
> sorry for the long wait, things are pretty crazy... anyway, hope you enjoy!
> 
> comments/kudos make any writer (including this one) very, very happy.
> 
> take care!
> 
> xx
> 
> (ps. go to razzledazzlewaffle.tumblr.com and prompt me!)


	14. Be here

He was a mess.

They were back. In every sense of the word. They'd slept together. It didn't matter. She didn't _want_ it to matter. She'd refused to talk about it. He knew why. She'd known he'd been five seconds from confessing his love for her. She knew, and she didn't want his confession. He had words for her that would change everything, and she didn't want to hear them. He understood. They would change _everything._

It was better to pretend. She'd let him off the hook. She'd made it easier to go back to before, before he'd almost said something that would change everything, and probably not in a good way.

But damn, he wanted her.

She drove him insane. She smelled so good. Her hair looked just as soft as he now knew it really was. Her legs were sexy and he remembered how it felt when they'd been wrapped around him. Her lips looked just as kissable as he knew them to be. 

And she was there.

_All the time._

 

When she'd been gone, he'd focused on missing her. He'd forgotten how it felt, how _he felt_ , when she was there. How she drove him so freaking insane.

And after what happened, after he'd had her, it was twice as bad.

He forgot to eat, because he dreamed about her. He couldn't sleep, because he dreamed about her. He couldn't concentrate on the mission, he couldn't be the director he was supposed to be, because he dreamed about her and having meetings was impossible because she was there and she was so beautiful and she was _there_ but he still missed her and he wanted her closer and he _missed her_ and she was _so goddamn beautiful_ and...

He was _such a mess._

He needed to get a fucking grip.

 

The Inhumans were back too. 

And they were getting stronger.

Daisy had called him because the situation was getting out of hand. She wanted to protect the Inhumans, but they'd started attacking civilians. They'd terrorized a mall in West Virginia. A three year old boy had been killed.

It was getting out of hand.

And he needed to focus. He was the director of S.H.I.E.L.D. He needed to save the world. He couldn't be distracted, not by _anything._

But Melinda was so fucking beautiful.

He realized she'd been right. They should've never slept together. This wasn't good. What having sex with her had done to him wasn't good. She was right. It had been a _huge_ mistake.

He didn't want her to be right. 

He _loved her._

But he needed to get a _fucking grip._

 

It was 3am.

He couldn't sleep.

As usual.

They'd spent the last week looking for the base of the Inhumans. They'd gotten absolutely _nowhere_. The public had began to panic. They were starting to ask questions. The ATCU had put enormous amounts of pressure on them, on _him._

Rosalind had called.

She wasn't in the game anymore. The ATCU had a new leader. She was somewhere in an unknown location, writing a book or something. She'd heard what was going on from an old colleague, and she'd called him.

She'd asked if he was ok. He hadn't known what to say.

She'd asked what had happened with Melinda. 

He hadn't known what to say.

But Rosalind was safe. She was safe and she didn't hate him. She thanked him, in fact, for giving her that 'final push to get out'.  


He'd said 'You're welcome.'

 

He had no idea what to do anymore. He'd ran against a wall. The world was in great, great danger and it was _his_ responsibility to fix it. Yes, he had a team. But in the end, it was _his responsibility_ , and _his alone._

Every dead body would be on him. Every drop of blood on his hands.

There'd already been one. There were probably countless others to come.

He couldn't figure out a way to stop it from happening.

He had no idea what to do.

The stress, the nightmares, the guilt over the fact that _he_ , who was supposed to have all the answers, was at a _total loss_ , were keeping him up at night.

He hadn't slept in weeks. Not since they'd been back.

He couldn't think about himself when the whole world was going under.

He had no idea what to do.

The Inhumans had gotten into a school, to 'enlist young members.' 

They'd known the Inhumans were planning an attack. They'd gotten there in time. They'd tried. But it hadn't been enough.

463 dead bodies. Mostly children.

Every single drop of blood they'd spilled were on his hands.

He had _no idea what to do._

 

He needed her. 

She _grounded_ him. She made him _cope_. She shared his burden, she _forced him_ to lean some of it on her, before the weight would crush him completely.

Fuck, he needed her. To just _talk_ to her. Have her sit with him in silence. He didn't care. He just needed her to _be there._

And she _wasn't._

He'd been an idiot. They'd slept together, but she'd given him a chance to go back. To forget it ever happened. To continue to repress the feelings that'd always been there. She'd _given him a chance to get her back_ , but he'd continued to dream about her naked body and he hadn't _taken it._

He was the _biggest fucking idiot._

 

4am.

He'd given up the small faint of hope for any sleep tonight. He'd been tossing and turning for five hours. The blanket was too hot. He'd taken off all his clothes. He didn't like his body. It was old, wrinkly and tired. He didn't like his scar. It reminded him that he shouldn't even be alive, and how it'd probably be better if he wasn't. She made him want to be alive. She'd made him think his body was beautiful. She'd cried when she'd touched his scar. He knew it was because of all it represented. He knew she cried because she'd lost him.

He cried because he'd lost _her._

 

He woke up, screaming, hands covered in blood.

They were all dead. The whole base was covered in blood. The Inhumans had killed them all. All the people he'd considered to be family were dead, and it was his fault. He was director. He should've _protected them._ He should've protected _everyone._ But he was weak and incapable and the reason they were all dead. 

It was _his fault._

He shouldn't even be alive in the first place. Why had he been given another chance, when he couldn't do what he'd been _brought back to do?_

His mouth was dry. He felt a silent sob tremor through his body. The sheets and his body were drenched in sweat. He was freezing.

 

There was a loud knock on the door.

\- Phil, it's me. Are you ok? Open up. Please, Phil. Open the door. 

_Melinda._

She shouldn't have to see him like this. 

She shouldn't have to deal with him when he was like this.

 

\- _Go away._

He'd wanted to scream, but it'd ended up being a whisper.

\- Please, Phil. Open. Right now. Please _, Phil, you _have_ to let me in. Please, _let me in.__

She sounded like she was on the verge of tears. 

He'd hurt her so much. 

She deserved _so much better._

 

She continued to pull at the door. 

Then, it went quiet. 

She'd given up. _Thank god_ , she'd... 

He heard a slight scratching sound. 

She was breaking the lock with a hairpin. 

It was her specialty. He'd seen her do it many times. 

 

The door was flung open. 

 

\- Oh my god, Phil... _Oh my god..._

She came rushing to his side, kneeling by his bed. Her eyes were big and filled with fear, her whole body slightly shaking. 

\- What have you _done_ , Phil... _What have you done..._

He looked down. 

The sweat was red. 

His chest felt like it was on fire. 

\- _Melinda..._

His voice was so thin, he could barely hear it himself. 

\- Shhh, it's ok, I'm here, I've got you... 

She was crying. Big tears were dropping down on his bloody chest. 

She was stroking his arm and leaned down and kissed his forehead. 

\- Melinda, I'm...

\- It's ok, darling, I'm here, it's _ok..._

She was making a call. 

\- Simmons? Get to the directors bedroom. Bring all the medical supplies you can. 

Why did she call Simmons? It'd just cause unnecessary panic. He was _fine._

\- Melinda, I'm completely... 

She quietly shushed him and continued to stroke his arm. 

\- Do it quietly. Don't tell _anyone_ about this. I mean it. _No one._ Understood? 

He tried to sit up. She forced him down again. 

\- _Don't move._

Her voice was gentle but her grip wasn't. 

\- No, that wasn't directed at you. You _definitely should move_ , as fast as you can. Get here _right now._

She hung up and let the phone drop down to the floor. 

\- It's ok, sweetie. I'm _here._

He saw her lips quivering as she soothingly stroked his head. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm scared of the finale.
> 
> I blame that for this massive, massive angst fest.
> 
> hope you enjoy, and hope this broke you a little.
> 
> comments/kudos are stuff I like.
> 
> take care.
> 
> xx


	15. I know

She hadn’t been there.

And he’d almost died.

She’d kept away to protect herself. She should’ve _seen_ that he was hurting. She should’ve _seen it._

She should’ve protected _him_.

She was _so fucking selfish._

 

\- How is he?

Simmons had been an angel. She’d come running into his bedroom, quickly gotten over the initial shock and checked him and cleaned him and stitched up his broken body.

\- He’s fine. He’s asleep. So that’s good. I’m guessing he hasn’t been getting a lot of sleep.  
\- What… what was wrong with… I mean, what happened…

Simmons looked at her, eyes filled with compassion.

\- I think he had some hallucination about his scar, and he tried to…

She cleared her throat.

\- He tried to maybe remove it. That’s my guess. He scratched up his chest. It actually looks worse than it really is.  
\- Why would he…  
\- Most likely he experineced some sort of mental breakdown, I’m only guessing here, I’m no psychiatrist, but… 

_Oh my god._

\- He’s going insane again.

She’d have to kill him. 

They’d gotten away last time.

Now she’d have to do what he asked her to do back then.

Simmons shook her head, putting her hand on Melinda’s arm, as if to steady her.

\- We don’t know that. It doesn’t have to be some alien thing.

Melinda stared down at the floor. Her hands were shaking.

 _She had to get a grip._

She looked up at Simmons again.

\- What then?

Simmons quickly removed her hand.

\- What is it then?

She sounded scary, even to herself. Simmons looked a little uncomfortable.

\- It… It could be a _number_ of things, to be able to tell I’d have to talk to some kind of expert, I’m not fit to make a diagnosis…  
\- Simmons...

Jemma looked up from the file she’d been browsing.

\- It could be a psychosis. Or…

She adverted Melinda's eyes.

\- Or…  
\- No that’s it, probably a psychosis, it’s… unfortunate, but it could be because he hasn’t gotten enough of sleep, an episode like that one can be a symptom of…  
\- _Simmons._

She swallowed nervously, staring down at the floor.

\- Or it could be drugs.

Melinda felt herself shaking her head

\- No. No, it’s not drugs.  
\- But…

She shot Simmons a warning glare.

\- He wouldn’t do that.

Simmons went quiet.

 _He wouldn’t do that, would he?_

\- Are you sure?

How could she stand there, with that stupid medical file, and even _question_ if Phil, _her Phil_ , the big boss, the _hero_ , would do something as stupid as taking drugs?

She liked Simmons. She respected her professional opinion. If she hadn’t, Jemma would be on the floor by now.

\- I’m just saying, it’s a possibility…

Melinda felt the rage flaring up and taking over her body.

\- You _know_ him. You’ve worked with him for over _four years_ , you know what he’s like, what kind of man he is, how can you even _question…_  
\- I question it just because I _do_ know what kind of man he is!

Jemma was almost screming, holding on to the medical file for dear life, eyes wild, face red.

\- What do you…  
\- He’s been slowly killing himself over this Inhumans thing. People are dying, hundreds and hundreds of people, and he thinks it’s his responsibility to stop it. And he…

The realization hit Melinda like a ton of bricks.

\- And he can’t. He can’t stop it.

_Simmons could be right._

Melinda silently cursed at herself.

How could she have _done that_ to him? How could she leave him behind, when she should’ve known, she should’ve _fucking known_ what this would do to him, she _should’ve…_

Jemma touched her arm again, forcing her to meet her eyes.

\- Hey. It’s not your fault.

It was. It totally and completely was her fault.

She smiled at Simmons for trying.

Jemma removed her hand again and sighed.

\- I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…

Melinda felt awful. Simmons was just trying to protect him. She was just doing her job. 

None of this was her fault.

\- No, I’m the one who should… 

Jemma looked at her, seeming absolutely heartbroken and completely exhausted.

\- I’m sorry, Jemma. It’s just, when it comes to Phil, I…

She nodded.

\- I understand. I get the same way about Fitz.

Her eyes widened as she understood what she’d just said.

\- I’m not saying that yours and Coulson’s relationship are the same as mine and… I just meant that…

Melinda had to smile at Jemma’s desperate attempts to save her own ass.

\- I know what you meant.

Simmons smiled, relieved, before getting serious again.

\- I… I didn’t know how to handle this, so I haven’t taken a blood sample yet, to see if…  
\- … if he’s drugged.

Simmons nodded slowly.

\- Take the blood sample. 

She nodded again, before rushing to Phil’s room.

 

He woke up, blinking towards the ceiling, then noticing her, a big smile growing on his face as he did.

\- Hi. What are you...  
\- Phil, you _fucking idiot._  
\- That’s nice.

She sat on a chair in the corner, arms crossed, and looked absolutely furious.

\- Drugs, Phil? _Drugs?!_

 _Oh shit._

\- I didn’t…  
\- Don’t fucking lie to me. Don’t you fucking _dare._

Her voice was ice cold. Her eyes were burning with rage.

\- Melinda, I’m…

She interrupted him.

\- Why didn’t you come to me?

He looked up at her, surprised.

\- That’s your first question?  
\- Yes. Answer it.

He swallowed.

\- I don’t…  
\- Answer me, Coulson. _Right now._  
\- After what happened with us… I wasn’t sure how to…

He looked directly at her, defiantly.

\- You’ve been ingnoring me. Ever since we’ve been back, you’ve been _ignoring me._ What was I _supposed_ to do? 

She tensed up again. Her voice was low and dangerous.

\- Not take fucking drugs, _that’s_ what you were supposed to do.

She’d uncrossed her arms and now she was clenching at the armrests. She was still staring at him. She hadn’t broken eye contact, not even for a second.

\- You should’ve came to me. I’m your right hand. I’ll _never_ stop being your partner, no matter _what._ You should’ve trusted that.

He let out a sad chuckle.

\- Oh, I should’ve _trusted that?_

He shook his head and scoffed.

\- You weren’t there. You _had_ to have known I needed you, and you _weren’t there_. So stop acting like you care. 

Her eyes were ice cold. She was biting her lip and breathing heavily, hands clenching so hard at the chair her knuckles had turned white.

\- Acting like I care?

Her voice was as cold as her eyes.

\- _Acting_ like I care, Coulson?

He wasn't breaking eye contact. She was kind of terrifying, but he wasn’t backing down.

\- Yes.

Her eyes were glistening in the soft light from his bedside lamp.

\- Who do you think found you and called for help?

He froze.

\- You…  
\- Who do you think found you, laying in bed, screming, shaking violently, looking like a ghost, with a chest that was all bloody because you scratched it up, because you _tried to hurt yourself?_ Who do you think found you?

He swallowed, shaing his head. 

\- I’m sorry, I’m sorry…

He couldn’t meet her eyes.

\- I was _terrified_ , Phil. I was so damn scared, I could barely function. 

He felt his eyes beginning to water.

He was such a screw up.

What had he _done?_

\- Don’t you _ever_ say I don’t care. You know that’s a lie. You _know_ it is.

He nodded, still not able to look at her.

\- I know.

He whispered. His hands were shaking. He was sweating like a pig.

She deserved so much better than the train wreck he was.

\- I’m sorry Melinda, I’m _so sorry_ , for _eveything,_ I’m _so…_

He was crying now. 

He felt her sitting down on his bed.

She took his hand.

He slowly and carefully looked up at her.

She was crying too.

 _Fuck._

He’d made her cry.

He’d sworn to himself after he'd died that he’d never, _ever_ be the reason for another tear she'd spill, because he knew that she'd cried too much over him already. More than he'd _ever_ deserve.

She slowly stroked his hand.

\- It’s ok. 

He shook his head.

\- No, it’s not. I’ve been an ass. You didn’t deserve that. _Any_ of it.

He pulled his hand away from hers.

\- You should hate me. You should…

She moved closer and lifted his chin.

\- _Hey._ It’s ok. I forgive you.

Her voice was so soft and caring, it made him feel a hundred times worse.

He closed his eyes.

\- You shouldn’t. You should _hate me._

She wiped his tears away with her fingers.

\- Look at me.

He opened his eyes.

\- I don’t hate you. I could _never…_

She paused. 

She swallowed, looked down and took a deep breath before looking at him again.

Her eyes were filled with so much affection it sent a jolt through his heart.

\- I could never hate you, because I…

She was crying again. She looked down once more, wiped her tears away and took another deep breath, before looking up.

\- I…

She shook her head and turned her eyes down again.

\- Dammit, I _can’t…_

He took her hand and squeezed it while using his other hand to lift up her chin.

\- _Hey._

Her eyes were closed. Tears were streaming down her face.

\- Look at me.

She did.

He was pretty sure she’d never been as beutiful as she was right at that moment.

\- You don’t have to say it. _I know._ And…

He looked down, took a deep breath, and met her eyes again.

\- And right back at you.

Her eyes widened, her body tensed up.

When he didn’t advert her eyes and stroked the hand that was still holding his, she leaned against his chest and sobbed into his bandage.

He caressed her hair and held her tightly against him.

He was never letting her go again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yay (??) another chapter!
> 
> hope you enjoy!!
> 
> comments/kudos are my best friends!
> 
> take care!! xx
> 
> (disclaimer: please note that I'm no doctor of any kind and, even though I tried to do my research, could very well be wrong about things. I apologize for any possible mistakes/ignorance.)


	16. Hold on

He woke up.

The lights in the ceiling were fluttering.

The sheets felt soft against his skin.

He was laying in a a cloud.

He was calm.

It was _heaven._

 

\- Sir, how are we feeling today?

Simmons. With that medical file of hers.

He went back to staring at the ceiling.

She walked up to him, started checking his vitals.

He just lied there and breathed.

_In, out._

_In, out._

It'd been so long since he'd been able to breathe.

Simmons changed the drip bag.

 

_Melinda._

She was in his thoughts most times. Her hair moving in the wind when she sat next to him in Lola. Her laughing at something he'd said. The sunshine in her eyes. Her touching his arm. Warmth spreading in his body, his heart feeling light in his chest.

_Melinda._

Melinda hitting him in the head with a book.

_Melinda._

Melinda sitting on his couch, drinking beer and singing along to Elton John.

_Melinda._

Melinda hugging him and wiping his tears away.

_Melinda._

Melinda putting itching powder in Garret's underwear, muttering 'This will show that son of a bitch' with an evil smile on her face.

_Melinda._

Melinda naked.

_Melinda._

Melinda's lips on his throat.

_Melinda._

Melinda moaning profanities in his ear.

_Melinda._

Melinda crying into his chest.

_Melinda._

_Melinda._

_Melinda._

_Me..._

 

\- Where's Melinda?

He tried sitting up. Simmons forced him down again.

\- Shhh, calm down.

The breathing got difficult again.

\- Jemma, where is she? 

She wouldn't look at him, just straightened out his sheets.

He tried getting up again.

She took his arm and pushed him gently back down.

\- You need to stay still.

He put his legs over the edge.

She moved them back again.

\- _Stay._ Calm down, deep breaths...

She stroked his arm reassuringly.

\- Jemma, where...

She held his arm down.

\- It's ok.

He sat up so quickly, Jemma didn't have time to stop him.

\- Where is she?

She put a hand against his chest. She wasn't Melinda. She didn't get to touch him like that.

He grabbed her wrists and pulled her closer.

\- Where is she?

She looked a little scared. He didn't want to scare her. But she was hiding Melinda from him. He had to make her understand that she _couldn't do that._

\- Calm down...  
\- _Don't..._

He moved his hands to her collar.

\- _Tell me..._  
\- Sir, you need to...  
\- Don't tell me to calm down, where _is she_ , Jemma, where...  
\- Let me go.

_No. No. No. No..._

He drew her even closer.

\- What did you do to her?  
\- Coulson...  
\- She was here, she yelled at me, she held my hand, she... she _slept in this bed with me,_ why is she gone, Jemma, _what did you do to her?_  
\- I...  
\- Don't lie to me, I'll hurt you, _I swear I'm gonna..._  
\- Breathe...  
\- WHERE IS SHE?!

He started shaking her. She tried to get away.

\- _WHERE... IS... SHE?_  
\- I _don't know_ where she is, let me go check, ok?

He froze.

\- It's ok.

Her voice was so calm. He'd been _seconds_ away from hurting her, and her voice was _calm._

He took a breath.

He let go of her shirt and stared at her.

What had he _done?_

\- _Jemma..._ Oh my god, I'm so sorry, I'm _so sorry_ , I'm...

He felt the tears on his cheeks. His body was trembling. Everything turned to a blur.

He felt a hand gently pushing him back down.

\- You need to sleep. Go to sleep.

He couldn't see her anymore. All he saw was Melinda. She wasn't there. She wasn't really there. It was Simmons' hands, Simmons' voice, _Melinda wasn't really there_ , she wasn't...

\- Is she gonna be here when I wake up next time?  
\- I can't...  
\- Promise me she'll be here, Jemma. Please, _promise me._

She nodded.

\- I promise.

She stroked his head.

\- Go to sleep now.

 

\- Is everything ok? I heard some screaming, and I...

Jemma was shaking. The file dropped to the floor.

\- Hey, _hey..._

Daisy rushed to her side, made her sit down.

\- It's ok, it's...  
\- He thinks she's here.

Daisy frowned.

\- Coulson?

Jemma nodded.

\- He thinks _who's_ here?  
\- May.  
\- But she...

Simmons swallowed. She started shaking again.

\- He's so far gone, Daisy. He went on and on about how May had been there, how she'd yelled at him, held his hand, fallen asleep in his arms... He called me 'Melinda' yesterday, Daisy, he thought... and you should've _seen him_ , there was.... There's nothing behind his eyes anymore, you can't even see him in his own eyes anymore, he's _so far gone_ , you can't...

She was crying now.

Daisy took her in her arms and rocked her back and forth.

\- I promised she'd be there when he woke up again.

Daisy held her tighter and sighed.

\- Oh, Jemma...  
\- I didn't know what else to do, nothing else calmed him down, he almost attacked me, and...

Daisy froze.

\- He _what?_

Simmons looked up at her, tears in her eyes.

\- It's not him, it's the _drugs_ , they make him...

Daisy felt like crying too.

She couldn't do that.

 _One_ of them _had_ to keep strong.

She handed Jemma a napkin and watched her wipe the tears away.

\- We can't hide this from the others anymore.  
\- I know.

Simmons sighed.

\- We have to tell them.  
\- But how? 'The director's taking drugs and he's getting crazy and violent plus he sees people who aren't really there.' How's that for a conversation starter?

Jemma stared down at the floor.

\- What about... do you think we should...

Daisy nodded.

\- I'll call her.

She pulled up her phone, stood up and was just about to go do just that, when Jemma's hand stopped her.

\- Thank you. And, Daisy?

She turned back.

\- See if you can get her here. I think he needs her.

Daisy nodded and dialed May's number while walking away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you thought there were happy times ahead?
> 
> ... sorry.
> 
> that's all.
> 
> xx
> 
> I'M SO SORRY


	17. I need you

She spotted him as soon as she walked in.

He was drinking something that looked like whiskey. He looked like he'd just came out of a business meeting. He noticed her standing in the doorway and waved.

He really was attractive. She remembered how his hands felt against her skin.

 

\- Hi, Melinda.

He raised his eyebrows.

\- That is your real name, right?  
\- Yes. But Rob isn't yours.

He smiled apologetically. 

\- Sorry about that. But I thought you, of all people, would understand.  
\- Oh, I understand. Doesn't mean I like being lied to.

His smile faded.

\- I really am sorry. But our night together, that was...  
\- That was a lie too.  
\- Doesn't mean it wasn't great.

She had to smile at that. The, she leaned back in her chair and crossed her arms.

\- So, let's get down to business.

Rob cleared his throat and straightened his tie.

\- Right.

He put his hands on the table.

\- I can get your ex husband back.

 

\- Where is he?

Daisy stared at her.

\- May, you... you _came._

Melinda threw her bag over her shoulder.

\- Where is he?

Daisy smiled, relief shining on her face.

\- Thank god, thank _god_ you're here, he's gonna be ok now, it's all gonna...  
\- Where is he?  
\- Follow me.

Daisy put her arm around her and lead her through the corridors. 

Melinda wanted to push her away and cry into her shoulder at the same time.

 

When he woke up, the world wasn't light anymore. The drugs were gone from his system and he was a killer and everything was horrible and everything was dark and she...

He stared at the chair beside his bed. In his dream, hallucination, whatever, she'd been sitting there. He'd begged Simmons to take her back. He'd begged Simmons to make her real.

She wasn't there.

The sheets felt rough against his skin.

 

He was asleep.

He looked so peaceful. All the lines were erased from his face. He looked like he'd looked when they were young. When they were young and she'd loved him but it'd been ok.

She sat in the chair beside his bed. Simmons had said it was important that she sat in that chair when he woke up.

The hand around her heart squeezed.

Ever since Daisy had called her and said 'Coulson's in danger', there'd been a hand around her heart, a hand that squeezed and squeezed in rhythm with her broken thoughts, her broken soul, her bleeding heart, her breath in deflated lungs.

She'd been lying to herself. She couldn't stay away. She couldn't keep distance. He meant too much and she cared too much and she'd always do anything for him. Most things she did were always, always for Coulson.

Everything was always for Coulson.

That was the curse in her life.

 

He moved.

Suddenly, she felt nervous. He'd wake up and he'd see her. She had no idea how he was going to react. After what Simmons and Daisy had told her... She wasn't sure if coming back had been a good idea at all.

But they'd said it'd save him.

And she'd always, always save him.

That was the curse in her life.

 

He opened his eyes. They immediately went to the chair.

She wasn't there.

He'd known that. His heart shouldn't break because of it. But then again, his heart had never listened to him when it came to Melinda May.

He closed his eyes again. No point in being awake when she wasn't there.

Just as he'd rolled over to his side and closed his eyes, he heard someone coming into the room.

He knew it wasn't her.

Still, a small part of him (probably that same part that had never stopped loving the first girl he'd ever loved), still had to check.

His heart almost stopped.

 

\- Melinda.

He'd been thinking about, planning, what the first thing he'd say to her would be. And the only thing he'd gotten out was her name.

\- Are you... are you real?

She smiled a sad smile and put her hands in her lap.

\- Yes, I'm real.

He sat up and let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding.

He wanted to take her in his arms. He wanted to kiss her. He wanted to tell her that he...

He buried his face in his hands and tried to gather his thoughts.

He felt the bed move.

She'd sat down next to him.

\- This is... this is like my dream.

She reached out a hand, as to touch his cheek, but pulled it back again.

\- I know.

She looked as exhausted as he felt. But she was beautiful. Of course she was. She was _always_ beautiful.

 _Man,_ had he messed up.

She didn't say anything. She sat there, looked at him, and waited.

\- I have no idea what's real and what's not anymore.

She looked down and took a deep breath. Then she looked up again.

\- Ask.

He swallowed and scratched his neck.

\- Did I come to your mother's?

She nodded slowly.

\- And did we...

She nodded again and bit her lip, her eyes adverting his

His eyes widened. Wow. He'd been so sure that that part had just been one of his usual dreams, and it had _actually happened?_

_Wow._

He tried to make sense of all the questions in his head.

\- So, we have sex, and then...

She didn't want to talk about this. She wouldn't meet his eyes. She kept fidgeting with her hands in her lap. 

\- Then you ask me to come back home.

He nodded, the memories coming back.

\- And did you?  
\- Yes.

Her voice was so filled with guilt, it broke him.

\- But...

She swallowed and stared at her fingers tracing the sheet.

\- But I left again.

_Oh._

He took a breath.

\- You don't have to be here if you don't want to. You didn't have to come back for me. I'm ok.

She looked right at him. Her body was tense.

\- You're not ok, Phil.  
\- But I am.  
\- No, you're _not._

No, he wasn't. He hadn't been for a long time. 

\- So, what did you...

He swallowed.

\- Why did you leave?  
\- I found something, someone, that might help Andrew.

He looked at her, waiting for an explanation.

\- There's this scientist who's managed to turn back inhumans into... themselves again.

Of course she'd leave for Andrew. He had absolutely no right to resent her for that. Why did he want her to stop caring about anyone but him? Why did he have to be such a jealous jerk? He didn't own her. But he couldn't stop his jealous jerk heart from bleeding.

\- I... I had to go, Phil. You see, it was actually...  
\- I understand, of course you...

He tried to sound nice. He tried to sound like an encouraging, unselfish friend who didn't blame her for anything. He tried so hard to sound like the person he should be, the person she deserved.

\- But Phil, listen...  
\- I...  
\- It's Rob.

He froze.

\- What?  
\- Rob, the guy I was...

_...Fucking._

He tried to ignore the sting of jealousy in his chest.

_Be. someone. she. deserves._

\- Yes, I know who you mean, but...

She interrupted him.

\- His real name is James Cordon. He's an ex scientist for Stark. Dropped out of the game when his brother got infected.  
\- How did you...  
\- Maria knows him. Gave me his information. Imagine my surprise when it turned out to be...  
\- Yes, that is... wow.

She nodded.

\- I know.

He swallowed.

\- Did he know that you're...  
\- No.  
\- That's just... _wow._

She nodded again.

\- Yes.

He took a deep breath.

\- It's a lot to take in. 

He furrowed.

\- Did you tell me any of this before you left? Because I have no memory...

She shook her head, looking guilty.

\- No. I just said I had something to take care of.  
\- And I didn't ask anything?  
\- You were... you were already pretty far gone at that point.

Right. He'd been busy being a selfish idiot who didn't deserve her.

\- Which leads me to...

She sighed.

\- I'm sorry, Phil. I'm sorry for leaving when you...  
\- Are you kidding? This could save Andrew. Of course you left. You have a chance to save Andrew.  
\- But I should've send someone else after Rob, and I could've saved you both.

He chuckled.

\- I'm just a pathetic mess who put himself into a situation he couldn't handle. I don't deserve to be saved.  
\- That's not true.  
\- It is.  
\- Phil, stop.

He took a breath. He shouldn't make himself a victim to her. He was no victim.

\- It's not even about that. It's not about me. There's a difference between him and me. Andrew, he's...

His heart broke. It shouldn't do that. He pushed his feelings away. 

\- He's your ex husband. You love him. It's different.

She frowned. He swore that that was pity he saw in her eyes. She _pitied_ him. She _knew_ he loved her and she _pitied him._

\- Phil...

He forced a smile.

\- No, it's ok. It's how it's supposed to be.

 

She changed into the t-shirt she always slept in (she'd stolen it from Coulson after he'd died), and was just about to get into bed, when she heard a knock on the door.

There was only one person who'd result in her door being knocked after 10pm.

Her heart pumped loudly in her chest, her pulse going up. Why couldn't he keep safe, for just _one night,_ she was _so exhausted_ of having to be scared for him all the damn time. She was so exhausted of loving him.

 

When she opened the door, her heart jumped in her chest. He was wearing a black t-shirt and sweatpants. His hair was wet. He'd probably just taken a shower. The image wouldn't leave her head. 

He looked embarrassed and ran his fingers through his hair. He seemed ok. Physically, at least. Actually, he seemed _very ok_ physically. _The water running down against his muscular chest, down to his stomach, and then..._

No.

_Focus._

He bit his lip and scratched his neck, looking down at the floor, occasionally glancing up at her.

\- Sorry for just showing up like this, god knows you've had to take enough of my shit already, but...  
\- What's wrong, Phil?

He sighed.

\- I just...

He seemed lost. Like he was a five year old boy, scared out his mind. Her heart started racing again.

\- Oh, god, Mel...  
\- Tell me. Tell me what you need.

He looked right at her.

\- You.  
\- Me, as in...

He looked at her, the desperation so clear in his eyes.

_Oh boy._

She took a deep breath.

This was a _bad_ idea.

\- Phil...  
\- I know, I know, and I understand why it'd be a bad idea, with Andrew and Rob and everything, but...

His voice was quivering. His eyes were open wide, the tears in them reflecting in the soft light from her bedside lamp, his body was tense but he couldn't stand still...

He was _terrified._

\- I just... I just need to _feel something_ , something physical, something _real_ , Mel, I'm... I'm going insane and I'm scared and I know, I know this just sounds like a lame excuse for me to get to have sex with you again, and maybe it is, so feel more than free to kick me out anytime... Normally I would never ask you to do this, but I'm terrified and I can't breathe and I need to feel like myself again, and you, you Melinda, you always make me remember who I am, and I _need_ that, I need...

She had no idea what to say. Her pulse was going a hundred a minute.

He shook his head and buried his face in his hand.

\- I'm pathetic.

He looked at her again. The fear and self loathing in his eyes hit her heart like a hurricane.

\- I'm so sorry. I have _no right_ to ask that from you. Just... please forget this ever happened. I promise I'll never bother you again. I'm s...

She shut him up with her lips against his.

He kissed her back, hard, desperately, his hands travelling up her waist to her hair _(damn, he was good at that, he made her knees weak)_ , before pulling away.

\- You sure about this?

She just nodded and kissed him again.

 _Damn,_ this was a bad idea.

But he needed her. 

That's why she did this. For _him._

She tried to bury the way his hands on her ass made her feel somewhere deep, deep inside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so...
> 
> it's been kinda a hiatus. I was stuck, then some personal shit happened and I got even _more_ stuck... 
> 
> anyway, hope you enjoy! xx
> 
> and 1000000x thank you for still reading this story, i love you


	18. I'm yours

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WARNING: sexual content, be advised!

His heart belonged to her.

As he woke up with her in his arms, yet another time, and he wished he'd never wake up without her ever again, yet another time, he felt his heart beat in his chest, slow, calm, steady beats, and he knew it was because of her. She was the reason for his heart being calmer than than it'd been in weeks.

And his heart belonged to her.

 

She let him use her. She let him shove her up against a wall, rip off her clothes, kiss and bite every inch of her skin, lift her up, her legs around his waist, while he nibbled at her earlobes before whispering "You're such a naughty girl, aren't you?"in her ear, making her shiver. She didn't say anything, just whimpered against his neck. He shoved her against the wall again, her legs still around him, and stopped touching her. "I said", he growled, "... you're such a naughty girl, aren't you?" She stared at him, slight defiance but also something else (lust?) in her eyes. He pushed her harder against the wall. " _Aren't you?_ " The look she gave him would've normally scared him half to death, and result in him giving her whatever she wanted, but right now, he was simply too turned on to care. "Phil, I _swear..."_ she hissed. He just smirked. "Aren't you?" She gave him that same death stare again, before apparently giving up. "Yes," she whispered through gritted teeth, "I'm a naughty girl." He smiled again. He had her.

Her hand began to travel down to his belt, her fingers fidgeting with the buckle. He'd grabbed it, holding it in place. "Na-ha. We're not done yet." She growled at him. His hand went between her legs. Melinda immediately took a shaky breath. She was soaked through. He had to gather all his streght to not just pull down his pants and fuck her until she screamed. Not yet. There was time.

He slid his finger over her underwear. When he brushed over her clit, she whimpered loudly. "Phil, please..." _Fuck._ He brushed over her clit again. Her eyes rolled to the back of her head. _Damn_. "Phil, please" she begged, grinding against his finger, "Please touch me, _more_ , Phil, please more, _please_ make me come, please..." _Fuck damn fuck._

He pushed a finger as deep as he could through the fabric. "Whose girl are you?" He rubbed her clit with his thumb, faster and faster, not breaking eye contact for a second. She looked back at him, mouth slightly open, breath hitching in her throat, the most wonderful sounds he'd ever heard escaping her lips. Then, he pulled away again. She groaned in frustration. "I'm _your_ girl" she said, desperation in her voice. This was, hands down, the hottest thing he'd ever experienced.

His hand went back between her legs, cupping her, feeling the wetness. She rubbed against his hand. "Eager, are we, agent May?" he teased. "Yes" she moaned, eyes falling shut. _Oh my dear God._

"Say it again." He started rubbing her clit again. She bit her lip. "I'm yours. I'm your girl, Phil, _no one else's,_ always _yours._ " He smirked. "Good girl." Then, he pulled her underwear enough to the side to slip a finger insde her. Before he'd even done that, she grabbed his hand, holding it down, as he'd done to her earlier. Fear rose in his throat. Had he taken it too far? Had he misread her signals? He hadn't wanted this to feel like love, so he'd been rough. He'd had _all_ control. He'd taken _advantage_ of her, he'd... His heart sunk in his chest. This was _unforgivable._ He couldn't look at her. "I'm sorry, I don't really know what to... Oh my god, Melinda, I..." He tried pulling away, she grabbed his chin and forced him to look at her, worry on her face. "Hey... What's wrong?" He wanted to cry. "I'm going through stuff but that's no excuse, I should _never..._ " Melinda frowned. "You think I didn't want this?" He carefully met her eyes again. She smiled. "I wanted this. _Exactly this._ OK?" He furrowed his brows. "But you pushed me away, you..." She smirked and gave him a slight eyeroll. "I wanted you to fuck me." _Oh._ She bit her lip, tracing her fingers down his stomach. "You think you can do that?" He gave her a small nodd. She smiled, lust and affection shining in her eyes.

 

She sighed in her sleep, pulling him closer.

He could pretend this was physical, be as rough as he could, he _should_ pretend, for her sake as well as his own, but he knew his heart belonged to her.

The worst part was, he was pretty sure _she_ knew it _too._

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so this was kinda a shock to me too. never written anything this graphic before. but, oh well ...
> 
> hope you like it! you know the drill, comments/kudos are my loves and thank for so so much for reading!!
> 
> hugs xx


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